my rusted tree

Long time no see

2008-03-07T15:30:00.002-09:00

well its definitly been quite an outing away from the tree. no one will probably see this post. but thats cool. just felt like typin somethin up, as i can't get to the myspace at the moment. i hope all is well with everyone that i have troubles keepin in touch with. (mostly cause i hardly ever email anymore) right now i'm down here on Kodiak island, which is just southwest of anchorage. we are on a mission called arctic care, that my command takes part in every year, where we provide medical support, and veterinary support to the native villages about different parts of alaska. Right now i'm in a small village known as Ouzinkee....i believe thats how you spell it. i'm probably wrong though. Its actually a nice little place here on kodiak island. the people are really freindly and grateful for the military providing the support they do. And the sights about the island as well are just gorgeous. I have taken pictures, that won't go up till i get back home, that do little justice for the place. just breath taking. i've been at this village for about a 5 days now, and will be heading back to the main staging area of kodiak pretty soon. weather permiting of course. as for the past couple days its either been raining or slushing on us. rather dreadfull...yet reminds me of seattle. now i'm sick as a dog, and all i wanna do is rest, and get back home. my whole body is achin somethin fierce.

but yeah. the town folk are awesome as i've said. such a wonderful opportunity for me to be able to partake in such an excercise and see these places, and meet these people who have nothing but love and warm hospitality for us. They put on a cultural dance for us...i believe it was a couple days ago. I thought it was a damn good sight to see. some may not, but there's just somethin about it, i don't know. this whole trip, to me, has been such a good learning experience, and will be something i will always cherish and hold with me.

Again i hope all is well with everyone. when i get back sometime within the next week, i'll post up my pictures, probably on the myspace or some other medium. take care to who all checks in and reads this.

peace and chicken grease

space mountain

Stoppin in for Greetings

2007-08-14T11:33:00.000-08:00

Whats the dilly y'all. Haven't really been checkin blogs and the myspaces all that much so i figured i'd jump by and say my usually, monthly or so greeting. Hope all is well in the world of my fellow tree lurkers.
Not really much has gone on in the past month. My 360 is out of commision at the moment, and i'm waitin on microsoft to send me a shipping container to send them my unit so they can fix it. i was hopin to have it to them and back before it was time to finish the fight on halo 3, but it doesn't look like that'll be possible. at least from what i've read on a few forums on how microsoft's service is like. but other than the failure of my godlike console, not much has been goin on. the neighbors i have up here, got me into World of Warcraft, and that has....well...pretty much consumed my time. or at least a good majority of it. Definitly a great game if yer into those types of games. So if any of y'all play shoot me an email, or place a comment with yer realm and character name, and lets see if we can hook up in that lil universe of time wastin.
I'll be gettin back into school here soon...after like 2 years of not doin any of that crap, i'll be goin back in. I have no idea why, i guess i'm just bored or somethin. Its an internet course so at least i'll have that goin for me.
ah well. i'm runnin outta things to blabber about. prolly head back to WoW or do some readin. y'all have a good one. till next time.
peace and chicken grease
Space Mountain

Checkin in...and oh yeah DSL sucks

2007-07-08T15:52:00.000-08:00

whats the dilly fuckers?! well i know i promised the pics up from the drive to alaska, and i have ta say i haven't gotten to that yet. workin on unpacking, organizing all our shit, and gettin this wireless crap hooked up with our stupid ass DSL. i swear i hate DSL. but yet its better than our cable internet from what I hear. but ah well. another bitch for another day. i mostly wanted to stop in, let you all know i'm still alive, and haven't forgotten bout y'all. even if i don't call. but yeah. not much is goin on. between studyin for some proctors i got this comin friday. tryin to get my xbox up and runnin, lookin into gettin a side job, and all the bs that comes with unpackin our crap....well thats what i have been up to. today however...well kinda like yesterday and today. i've been up to some good ole, much missed drinkin. between jose quervo and captain morgans tattoo i've been pretty happy. well i took like 4 shots of patron last night. and after that kicked me in the balls, i was feelin pretty good. but today its just the tattoo. i got no quervo left, and i gotta work tomorrow, so no patron. that might be a little much. but yeah i hope all is well. for those of ya, i got a new email, i'm gonna be usin for keepin in touch with everyone, as my hotmail is fillin up with lots of spam, and junk mail that its gettin a little hard to sort through. so i'll be sendin that email out shortly...(i'll be sendin it out through my hotmail with the new email address) so yeah. sorry for not postin the pics, but i'm sure i'll get them up at some point. so please be patient like you all have been...even if you don't really like bein so.

peace and chicken grease
space mountain

p.s. oh yeah, the pic above is from a fuckin awesome movie called hot fuzz. if you liked shawn of the deat you'll love this. its from the same dudes...obviously, and a great brit/american cop movie. awesome shit.

Land of the Midnight Sun

2007-06-14T19:58:00.001-08:00

Well I shall say that that title is very fitting for the state of alaska. The damn sun is constantly fuckin with my head. just when you think its gonna set and give you peace....uh uh. that son of a bitch comes right back up. that and with it always up, you kinda get the sense of what insomnia's all about.

oh yeah! forgot. for those that do know, and for those that don't, i have finally left the state of washington and found my way up to fairbanks alaska, for my next duration in the military. i do say, i am a bit excited. i finally get a chance at a real life as a vet tech...you know working in a clinic. course i don't know shit right now, so i'm a bit scared about walkin in the front door and say hey, i'm the knew guy. i've been in a lab, and then pretendin to be a food inspector, as well as playin infantry for the past 5 years or so...so yeah, can you teach me my job. :) great first impressions....and long lasting memories.

but plenty of time to talk about that later. fixin to eat dinner and get ready for my last day of inprocessing tomorrow, so i gotta get to the meat of this thing.

we (angel and I) drove up here from washington, and at first the thought did seem a bit of a bitch to accomplish...well at least for her. she doesn't like long drives and or stayin awake while in a car in general. for me i didn't care. i've made longer trips, both times comin from maryland with aces. so i knew i was gonna be good, i just was worried that we weren't gonna be makin any sorts of good time. but, much to our surprise, we did.

for her part, it was a little hard to not enjoy the ride. the scenary while driving through canada, british columbia and yukon territory, was fuckin outstandin. beautiful mind you. that and all the damn free roamin animals we saw. and i will be havin pictures of them when we get them back ourselves, so no worries. but needless to say, between the weather bein perfect, and the damned fine sights that not alot of people get to see, the trip was a big success in my eyes.

we've got our place about a week ago. its town housy like. two bedrooms, and a bathroom on the top floor, and a livin room, kitchen and a small foyer area on the bottom. its a really nice place for not a bad price from what i've seen of how costly alaska can be. and a shit load closer then the 25 miles i was drivin, just to get to work, back in washington.

anyways. dinner is ready, and i wanted to post somethin before i totally forgot again. my household goods should be arriving sometime next week, and with that i should be gettin my cable shortly after and gettin back on halo 2 for those of you who are still on.

peace and chicken grease

~space mountain

2007-06-06T23:36:00.000-08:00

for those of you who don't know, i've been in the middle of a move for a few weeks now, and am nearing the end of it. should be in my new apartment with internet by friday, so i'll be tryin to get some updating done by the end of this weekend, as i go back to work on monday. yeah.... so till then peace and chicken grease

space mountain

Another month...almost home

2006-11-24T06:54:00.000-09:00

Well here we are. Almost the end of the final full month. Hell we don't even have that much left of time here. My stay here at Buehring is almost at its end, and thank god for that cause i've done had enough. Now thats not to say that my time here has been all bad. It really hasn't. I have enjoyed alot of it, and will definitly take the experience with me, and memories formed from my first deployment. Its definitly been no where near as hard as it could have been, or life threatening for that matter, but it has had its moments of difficulties, going from problems with personnel among us, to problems within ourselves, to problems back at home. It has definitly been a learning experience. Now seeing as how its been over a month since I last came here and let those of you in on what has all been going on, I guess I have alot to put out to catch everyone up on. So I'll try to do my best on letting you all know such.

I think I left off with me finally gettin to the promotion board and getting my promotable status finally. Well unfortunately I still sit on that status as the points for getting promoted has shot back up, so I sit for another month, waiting to see if I can make the enlite, and get out of the junior enlisted, bitch duty status. I mean I know I can still get bitch duty per say, but at least I'll be in a more supervisory position while I have lil privates runnin about doin it for me. :) Which is all good in my book.

Personnel problem wise, has been an up and down rollercoaster per say. Youngblood was getting into a lot of trouble and making alot of headaches for people up here, that was getting to a pretty much daily basis. Between being late for work, not showering, disrespecting people, blatantly with no sign of joking to try to ease it, to nearly starting very heated moments between a few of us, he has been quite a problem. It got to a point that our NCO's, country included, recommended him for an article 15 over everything, and pretty much told him they have given up on trying to help and protect him. Fortunately he has been forced into a FAST class, which is to help get his GT score up, so we had to send him down south to Arif Jan. So luckily for us we've been headache free for about 2-3 weeks now. And he's been down there causing headaches, and getting caught wailin on his stinky winky in an open bay where everyone sleeps. Heh. Its funny shit to think about, as I'm still tryin to get all the story on it. I just know that quite a few people in our unit know about his self debautchery.

Our replacements finally showed up a few days ago, and they seem like an all right bunch i spose. I mean I really don't care, cause with them here means I get to go home soon, and they are stuck with the hell of Kuwait. So good luck to them. Peace and chicken grease suckers!

I re-enlisted yesterday. As a few of you might know. I've been trying to for like the past month or so now, and finally had the right people and swing their rank around to get things going instead of gettin screwed out of my options. I was tryin on gettin Fort Sam down there with the specster, but unfortunately they didn't see any openings down there for me, so I got an OCONUS assignment of Alaska. Which isn't a bad thing. I've always wanted to visit there, and have always heard good things about the assignment up there from those who have been. So I am looking forward to headin on out the great white north. Hell it'll definitly be wierd on one side of things. One year i'm in a place hot enough to cook ten pounds off of ya a day, then go to a place where you want to put on ten pounds a day to stay warm. I know my southern ass is definitly lookin forward to all that snow. (sarcasm ;)) but it gets me outta Lewis, and outta the deployable shit, so I'll take anything. I had CPT Dick re enlist me, as you can tell from the pic I've placed above, and I was glad for that. As I've really liked having him as my OIC and my Vet. He is definitly a cool guy to work for and with, as he's helped me with various technician skills i've lost over the years from doing other shit. But I did a six year re-enlistment, that adds like 4 and a half years to my current enlistment, which makes this whole army thing a career it seems for me. Fuckin yeah! I've always enjoyed the thought of this gig as a career, for those of you that know me. But I guess its not a total bad thing...not sure on the good outcomes of stayin in, but hell i guess I'll find out over the years and prolly end up kickin my own ass as I go, but too late now I spose.

But yeah, here we are. I've accomplished all I can here, and all I really wanted to. Promotable status (though I would have loved to leave promoted but you can't get it all), re-enlisted, I got a place on base waiting for me now so I finally get outta the damn apartment life, and its close to country so I look forward to hangin out with him and his wife when we can as its always a blast with that guy, my marriage seems to be back in an upwards direction again-which isn't bad, just hope it stays that way now. :) So in like two to three weeks I shall be back breathin in the sweet sweet american air, with a nice cool crisp gulp of budwieser in my mouth. I can't wait. I don't care about the cold weather and all the rain i am going back to now. As it'll be better then the sand, shit filled air that I get out here.

Like I said it hasn't been a bad experience. I definitly have learned alot out here, especially about myself, but there's no place like home.

peace and chicken grease....

....happy holidays, and see you all soon.

~Space Mountain

I = Bodies

2006-10-13T06:34:00.000-08:00

well well well. i see its been another long ass wait since i've last show up here. as i can tell from bein contacted by a few people wonderin what the hell is up. so here i sit, with an attempt to let you all in on what all has been goin on...or at least the jist of it.
for the most part, work wise has been busy as shit. we are goin through a surge of people right now so with more people, unfortunately comes more food for us to inspect, which increases our fuckin workrate and hours. not that i'm complaining, as i've felt a bit of boredom and complacincy these last couple of months so i'm all for more shit to do, its just...i don't know. i guess i want something more...or maybe its just that i've grown tired of this place and can't wait to get home...who's to say. I mean really.
but yeah other than that a couple of weeks ago we had a change of command ceremony so we were busy getting ready for that...and then actually doin it. all i can say is i reeeeeeaaaaly enjoyed that....if you can read the sarcasm then great, if not....then just ask me later. but yeah immediately after that i had my promotion board....my long awaited fucking promotion board that seemed like i was destined to never get to. but i finally did. so i was nervous as all hell, so nervous in fact i got myself really sick over it. i was just a fuckin mess, couldn't keep anything down, and couldn't sleep without the nyquil...my long lost friend. how i've missed thee. but yeah, i finally got to the show and aced it. it wasn't as hard as i worked myself for. the SGM totally relaxed me, and as did the board members and were greatly impressed at what my rep said of me and what i told them in my bio, as well as my straight forwardness on a few non topic questions the SGM asked of me. So i entered with a premature heart attack, and left with the premature heart attack and a 150. which to you non military fucks means i aced it...maxed it. left no room for improvement. so i was ecstatic. over joyed. giddy. on cloud nine as one would say. so i went out and burnt my hand trying to light a cigarrete cause i was shakin so bad. but its over, and i'm glad. now i just gotta wait for other things to fall into place to get promoted. but the hard part is over, now i get to play the waiting game. so much fun.
but like i said that was a couple of weeks ago. since then we've just been runnin all over the place as we've had people comin and goin on R&R and emergency leave and such. and all the regular work thats been thrown our way, as well as suprise inspections, and inventory checks...its gettin rather fuckin busy. so when i do get off...off of work i mean...i pretty much fall asleep. as Youngblood can attest to as there's been many times where he's walked in and either finished watchin a movie or a wrestlin dvd for me, only to tell me about it in attempts to ruin the interest i had, only to learn that i really am loosin interest in everything i once enjoyed because this place is just borin me to death somethin fierce.
but thats whats been goin on, and before i leave, sorry RC for no CPT Penis pics. We're tryin to get some ideas together to post up. And Specy...I've broke the glass ceilin dude. Once its official, watch out privates! Let the Bodies hit the floor!!!!
Peace and Chicken grease
~frank the tank

This is for the Soldiers! All for one! Lets Go!!!!

2006-09-09T10:12:00.000-08:00

A title????
A header???
What the fuck!!!???
Well, its a new thing...i guess. at least for us who come to the tree to meet, greet, and establish a communications if you would.
and whats this?? no song of the moment??
the reason for such is because i just came from a goddamn awesome fucking two hour concert, here at camp boring...well...we'll forget about that nickname now.
who was the concert you ask? just your local texas band. no one major
Drowning Pool. you know.
Let the bodies hit the floor, sinner, step up. all that good shit. and i don't have any of their songs to place here at the moment. all i got to say is these guys fuckin kicked rocks in major ways, and just came out here and rocked our shit up. they were out fucking standing. so i urge you. if you never seen these guys live. do so! they are definitly a great band to watch. i mean startin out with sinner, goin to step up, then mixing up with some from those two albums, along with some new stuff. they played this one song, that i have a small clip of for you too see, dedicated to the soldiers out here, from when they came through last year, and i thought it was fuckin awesome as well. all in all everything was good, but the closer...Bodies, was just mind blowing. the videos of it does it no justice to what it was like to experience it live. and watchin all the dumb asses tryin to body surf, while security is watchin us, (cause we got a memo of no moshin and stuff of that nature), it was funnier than hell. but here you go. i'm just gonna post a link to my photo bucket and hopefully y'all will be able to see them all. cause i'm not gonna sit here all night and post a shit load of pics and the vids, with this slow connection we've been havin as of late. hope y'all can see em. enjoy. i sure as hell did.

http://s46.photobucket.com/albums/f105/zefyur/Drowning%20Pool/

peace and chicken grease
~frank the tank

2006-08-29T06:24:00.000-08:00

"I will not forget, nor will I allow my comrads to forget, that we are professionals, Non-Commisioned Officers, Leaders."

The military is something that is a state of flux if you will. Its core leadership is not something that is what it used to be, and at the same time it hasn't made its stamp, or placed its seal of how it wants to be with its new generation. There is a constant battle of Old vs. New, and all sides seem to be at a stand still. It seems as if the leaders of yester-year and those of today are just on coast, and don't put forth the effort that they swore an oath to uphold. I think we have come to a time that many people question their leadership, and at times desire the things that they have yet to learn about...yet there are those of us that have been there for some time and all we yearn for is what was promised us...

"All Soldiers are intitled to outstanding leadership. I will provide that leadership."

The corp is falling. Thats how i think of it. Our dearest so called backbone of the army is falling, and really who couldn't see it coming. Its gotten to the point that once that point is reached, all one cares about is bettering themselves, and getting to retirement...then all they focus on is the retirement. Now don't get me wrong, there are good NCO's out there, but they are getting far and few between. The corp is falling...The corp has forgetten itself, and those that help support it.

You all are probably wondering why i say this...what again has happened to make me think that my support channel is nothing more than a joke...a string of falsehood...or nothing more than a smile, that is full of venom and lies.

Today i learned that the Semptember promotion board will be held on the 1st. This is something that I have been yearning for, something that I have finally felt that I am ready for...well I felt like I was ready for it last month, but this month it was a surefire. Finally, I will be able to join the ranks of the respected..finally I will be able to make the impression on another group of young, and lead them in hopes of influencing them enough to better themselves, for the sakes of their own lives and careers, as well as putting a good face on for our military...our Army....

Not so...not so...I learned as well that our astute, that our HQ, headquarters if you will, our support down south, again lost my promotion packet...again smashed my morale and hopes...you see I did a lot of damage to myself back in maryland...that i know. but one can only keep his head so high, or give the attempts and tries up so long when that no matter what he/she does they are always getting bashed for it, and getting bashed the worst. and blatantly. as well as getting different stories from everyone, and still ending up with a knife in the back. from maximum punishment on the smallest of things, to narrowly dodging the fact that that last command tried as hard as they could to try to not allow me to reenlist, i dodged, i got out, and alot of stress was relieved, as alot of stress on me at that time, alot of why i was pushing so hard at all sides of my life, alot of reason of why i was becoming a harder and harder drunk, alot of reason on why i was getting so sick all the time, was work and how i just couldn't take it anymore...i was in a falling marriage, and i was working in a corrupt system that didn't care for anyone that didn't fit their mold, didn't make them look good, who butted from time to time. so once i finally got to Ft. Lewis, and finally got into therapy, alot of my stress and outlook changed. I was becoming a new man, a new person...and someone who felt good about themselves, and was now focused, to better themselves and their career.

Blindfolded...cigarette in mouth, and awaiting the shot...

Thats how I feel. I have been trying to get to a promotion board all year now, and its been one thing after another. You need to go to a month board...not this month...not this month...not this month...okay..no wait...yeah not this month...okay good job, but yeah can't get you to the promotion board now lets try next month...oh...yer on leave...okay not this month...nor that month...sorry we lost yer packet...oh my bad...we lost it again...ooops. What happened to your packet again?

Thats what my 1st Sgt said when Garman asked him if I would get into this coming board if they resent the packet they lost. Nope. What happened to his packet? Your the son of a bitch that we sent it too. And you don't know. You don't keep up with what is going on with your soldiers...oh yeah thats right. We had that bullshit competition this month...a ctt training competition in the sweltering kuwaiti heat that meant nothing at the end. we got four bullshit pieces of paper that are worthless and a chunk of glass that would be better served being shaped and filled with alcohol of some type. A fucking competition was more important than a career...than a soldier bettering themself...than the morale of the soldier and faith of the soldier in your leadership capabilities. Hell i still haven't gotten the damn certificate of achievement from my may board that i won, and their excuse was that i was on leave when the colonel was gonna present it too me...yeah i was on leave...some 20 days after the board, and i've been back how long now??? almost two months. And hell i asked the 1sg about the damn thing the day of our awards ceremony a couple of days ago, and he told me i would get it...and what happened...nothing. not a damn thing. and then he gives garman that excuse over email since we couldn't find him after the ceremony. so i get lied to again...and stabbed in the back, and the board was the twister.

I thought I left this.

I thought I came to a place where I might actually be treated with some respect...

No. I'm a show piece...a model.

Look at the tango who's showing he can handle his job and a romeo's. Look at our fucking puppet, our showpiece.

I'm nothing...i mean nothing. I feel worthless, and I am again at the point where I don't care anymore. SGT Gough, and SSG Garman are trying...they are trying their damnedest, but i have told them blatantly several times since this news was broken that I have lost all faith in my support channel, in my command, and I just don't care anymore. Cause this hasn't happened to anyone to me...and those leaders at headquarters just blow it off and make it seem small...don't show any effort in being apologetic in their actions, or lack there of.

I can't do this anymore. I try i get beat down...i fight back, i get beat down more, i finally escape and get somewhere that looks like its soldier first...and the knife has blindsided me...

I don't care anymore. I told Gough and Garman...hell pretty much everyone that I work side by side with that I am no longer studying...I will know my creeds, and I will get those out to the best of my abilities...but thats it. If they ask why I it seems as if I wasn't ready, then I will say that I didn't prepare cause it seemed a repetitive thing that I would not be allowed to get to a board as I have had two packets lost so I have lost faith in those above me to actually put forth the effort of caring for their own. If they ask why do I think I am ready to be in a leadership position then I will say that I think I can bring something this unit is sorely lacking. Something that seems to have escaped this command and those who are in command...

"...outstanding leadership."

Gough says to not give up hope. We will get you there. But what they don't understand is i've been fighting this battle for alot longer then a few months now. I just was fortunate enough that i was able to take a break, get to therapy before i got close enough to taking my life. And now i am being sucked back into that hole...back into a place where i stop caring, and stop trying. I want to cry, but i know that won't get me anywhere. I want to get drunk, but its a dry country..I want to get high...to another plane of existence...but i don't have the means too while here...

I have no good leadership above the immediate...I got no one that truly cares and is there for me, in the military sense that I want. Whenever I try...its never good enough...its never what others want...or i'm just easily forgotten and pushed to the side...something thats worthless...something that really doesn't matter in the spin of things.

Just a showpiece...

just a showpiece....

2006-08-22T09:18:00.000-08:00

well, its been like what....20 some odd days since i previously came here to let you poor souls into what is goin on in my life and head. heh. such sporadic posting on my part, and my apologies to those that do check in from time to time to be pissed off that i have yet to post and contact them in at least with this avenue since i'm bad at doin it through other means. but yeah. whatever.

anyways. i looked back at my last post to try to get some idea on where to go with this, as i'm not sure where to start. and low and behold...not one fuckin help. how'd i see that comin. so i will just try typin and we'll see what comes up with hopes that this will not be a complete waste of time for everyone.

well leave has officially come and gone, two months...or two and a half months. somethin like that and here i am in the trenches tryin to keep my sanity for the last four. angel and i have been talking, and have been working towards getting back together come the end of this tour, and movin her out to washington. now i am very excited and happy about this, cause i guess for my own sake and sanity i wanted at least one more chance at this. one more time to see if things could work. so that way i can be honest with myself and everyone when i say that i tried. for all that it was worth, i tried. so as i get closer, her and i talk more. and good talks. alot more talking since my visit in june, then when i lived there last year. so we've been sharing more. talking through things. discussing things. tryin to figure each other out. and with each passin week, i think we come to a better understanding of each other and why some things happened the way they did, when they did. now am i putting my hopes into this? i have to. at least a little bit. while i am still wary that things can fall through between now and then, cause lets face it. we've all seen that when it comes close to the time where she is set to go and leave d.c. ...at some point, she'll change her mind on all situations and stay in the safety zone. now i'm not tryin to bash her, or say anything with a negative light. but i am honest, and am tryin to be wary for my own sake. she has come close to moving quite a few times since i left last year. and each time, something would either fall through or she'll change her mind...or something. so will it happen again? will our relationship not get that chance to try to flourish where many others would have called it quites long ago? i hope so. the way things are now, it is quite a strong possibility that she'll move, and we could make things work. but i still have another three to four months left before i get to head home. how will things be then? will the strain of distance pull her away again like it happened times before? who's to say...i mean really. all i can do is hope. hope for the best, prepare for the worst. thats all anyone can ever do for themselves, their lives.

so i haven't gotten to talk to anyone that i mean to, and would like too. and that is all on my own fault and i apologize for that. i've said many times that hey, i'm gonna call. and something happens, and i don't, or i'm just too tired and don't feel up to it, or i'll get caught up in a game or something. but to spec and rc i promise, at somepoint, i will call y'all. sorry to have such bad communication abilities, but whatcha gonna do? i mean really.

anyways i must close this out. country and i are headin out to the gym, and i gotta start my laundry soon after. so you all be safe and stay tuned. i'll try to post again...at least change the song. i'm all ready tired of it...which is sad, but eh. whatever.

peace and chicken grease

~frank the tank

2006-08-02T09:32:00.000-08:00

well much to my dismay my command has let me down yet again. shouldn't be anything new or suprising right? i mean thats what military commands do. they build their soldiers up, get their morale up to where they think it should be, then push them off a cliff to a bitter harsh reality.

not to delay much longer, the reason i say such is because i learned yesterday morning, that my command decided to loose my promotion packet, so i will not be able to attend this months promotion board.
thats right. lost my promotion packet. lost it. no ill feelings or sorries, or care from them, just a little email letting my nco know that they had no idea i would be attending this months board, because they haven't been able to find the packet we sent them (a month ago, and they just now let us know).
well isn't that just nice. isn't that just a fucking hoot. thanks for helping your soldier try to give a shit about his own career. thanks for being a good NCO SUPPORT CHANNEL you fucking retarded useless good for nothing hacks! god what does it take to actually be in a chain of command, to actually have people put in charge of you who genuinely gives a fucking shit about their soldiers and do what they can to help them and do all that bullshit in the nco creed?
oh wait! thats right. we're in the new army! they don't give a shit unless it pertains to me army! fuck the world. fuck my soldiers! fuck my officers! fuck everyone unless what i do is gonna benefit me. again i find myself wondering why i give a shit to try to make this a career. why do i try to give a shit to be something that i absolutely loathe and hate. a nco. a noncommishioned officer. aka a backstabber. a lazy fat slob. a piece of shit, that does nothing all day but beat on their soldiers to make themselves feel better. oh wait. the fucking soldiers are no better. if you've seen the new breed then you can see why it would be easy to just give into that stage. but fuck you too the stripes for a reason right? you spent all that time memorizing a creed that you should hold dear, and fuck! actually try to uphold. the nco creed. you remember that? did you give a shit, or was it just a pay raise for you. was it just something to do to get out of that private structure so you could get your turn with the whoppin stick?
here i got people praising me for doing an outstanding job of cross training as a food inspector and proving doubts and fears wrong about what type of tech i thought i wasn't. people thanking me for my hard work one minute, and how i've adjusted, then fucking loosing something that would better able me to assist them better.
why do i care? i mean really. i try and i try, and yet our time here draws closer to an end, and my promotable status is slipping faster and faster from me. i should be angry. i should be furious. but i somehow expected this. i knew something would happen. i went from one command that didn't want me to re-enlist to another who is just not giving a shit about helping me with my career. and the funny thing is, i am trying now. i am trying my damnedest to be a good soldier, and future sergeant. i am actually trying to be something i think i could do better than so many other people i have seen with that grade of high responsibility.
heh. here i sit. finding myself giving two shits less most of the time now. yeah...fuck it.
i'm goin to bed...

2006-07-29T06:16:00.000-08:00

It was soft
Was this a dream?
Was it real?
Her touch
A simple glide of a finger
Was it her?
It couldn’t be
How long has it been?
When was the last time…?
I can remember her face now
I can remember her smile

Something had woken me. It was cold. In the middle of June. Night. My clock read 12:00 am. I was alone…but strangely feeling watched. A presence. The window…I went too it and looked. All was dark, black, except for what the white luminescent shine from the moon could touch. Yet…yet…

I felt her there
Was she?
I couldn’t be
It must’ve been a dream
Too long had passed
Too much had happened
But…

I lifted my hand to feel my cheek. Flashes…memories. Sadness, anger, happiness, heartache, hate, love…memories. Just…memories. But I could feel her. Sense her close…I listened. A car alarm far off in the distance came to my wait.

So much had happened
It all seemed to pass
A dream
…Just a dream

I turned and looked to my bed. Emptiness…emptiness is what I should’ve saw. There she lay, curled where she used to lay. The sheets formed and comforted. She was looking at me…I couldn’t begin to say. I stood there staring. Scared…sad. Tears began to form as I looked on.

Everynight the same
Every tear for you
How we had our problems
But enough to kill love?
How we screamed
How we cried…
Yet here I stand
Somehow seeing you

I closed my eyes then. Letting the tears roll down my cheeks. A sniffle. Only a sniffle. I vowed not to sob this night. I opened my eyes again. Stared where she laid. Her beautiful chestnut hair, her vibrant blue grey eyes. A smile to kill for…A smile that…

Why did we fight?
Why did you have to leave?
We never made time
Never made effort
The hate we gave into
The love we hid
You said you needed time
Think things thru
You left….

Again I closed my eyes. The tears gleefully falling. Streaking my facing…dotting my clothes. Shaking my head. I knew better than this…Why do I do this? I can’t keep this up, no more beating myself up. You left that day, you said you needed to get away…I opened my eyes again and looked…looked where she used to…

I knew it was a dream
She couldn’t be here
It wasn’t her touch

She wasn’t there anymore. She never is. The blankets still where she left them. Where you were supposed to come back too. She left that day. Sad…angry…on her way to work. She never made it back there either…No. Never made it there. Someone else angry, someone in a hurry…he took you home. He took you somewhere better. An instant…No you never came home…never got your kiss…your hug…a time to sit and remember the good times we miss. We never talked that night…he stole you I know.

No you never came home
We never got our talk
You never got your kiss
Your hug
Did you remember our times?
The good and the bad
Did you remember I loved you?
And not the things I said
You are free now
From the burdens we placed
Free to be happy
And be with those you loved
But here I’ll sit
A burden too great
I’ll always be thinking of you
The last vision of your face
Before you turned to leave
Before he stole you
I’m sorry my love
A burden with too long to join you

2006-07-23T07:54:00.000-08:00

god i hate this fucking place!!

what a way to start this sumbitch out right? right off with a good tagline of how much i hate being back here, working with a fat retarded good for nothin lazy four times a day burger king eatin sorry ass excuse for an NCO SGT Gough! Thats right folks a real name without the chance of a codeword. SGT GOUGH is a giagantic douchebag that just needs to be wiped off the face of the earth. I mean i'm sure i'm speaking alot out of heat damage as i've been literally outside in the 124 degree weather all fucking day, while his fat ass has either been in the airconditioned storage area, or inside the trucks. I have willingly taken up the duty to help our new DFAC (dining facility) get in order, just cause i know its far enough away that no one will want to walk up to assist me or watch me. but yeah, so i spend all fucking day outside and finally come back to the office around 1 in the afternoon....or 1300 for you military folks. i've been outside since 0730 doin nothin but food inspection shit (rag on your lazy ass romeo buds specy. their job sucks!) but yeah all day out in that shit, then SGT GOUGH goes to lunch with everyone else...or with garman and youngblood. well those two come back, but not gough. he comes back with howard like a half hour to an hour later then the alloted time for lunch. during this time, an alfoodact recall has come to us and youngblood and i have been busting our asses handling it. while he just mosey's on back to fuck off on the internet. (need i remind you that he got uber pissed off today cause he realized, i told him, that today was sunday brunch so breakfast started at 0830 instead of 0530) but yeah he comes back, and garman hands him the info to handle stuff for our off base to call and check on . he gives it to howard, and gets his chubby ass behind a computer too look at gigabytes or whatever his fat dorky retarded turtle beaked face gets off too. garman comes in later and wants us to finish up on our stuff here on buehring instead of his original plan of waiting for people to call us after they inspect and what not. so i go off and look, and the only person to offer assistance is youngblood. YOUNGBLOOD! the guy who's been bustin his hump all over this base too today! and i mean nothin against him but, THE FUCKING PRIVATE OFFERED!!! WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER SPECIALIST!!! WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING SERGEANT!!! nope too lazy for that shit! they made a phone call! so send the fucker who's feelin and lookin like shit, cause he's been on the verge of heat casualty all day, to do the crap around base. so i stormed out and did it and came back. i gave garman the info he needed and filed some shit away and turned around and asked gough if we were done......nothing....his fat beaky ass stared at the computer and said not a fucking word. and i didn't say anything disrespectful or do anything wrong at this time. i said sergeant are we done. stood there....looked....waited...waited....waited....got fed up and left the room. and after i left the room i heard him start to ask something but stop cause he realized the door was closing. so i asked garman if he had anything for us, he said no, i went back, gough was opening the door, i stuck my head in the room, ignored him blatantly and told youngblood and howard garman had nothing for us so they are released for the rest of the day. and with that i turned around and left, not saying a fucking word to him. just giving him the simple thought that i was angry, didn't want to be fucked with, or put through his little i'm a newly sgt(p) so i'm gonna strut my shit and create shit loads of busy work for y'all, no i left, in a brisk pace, released myself and the other juniors in front of him, and went back to my room and screamed my head off in peace, till youngblood came in then i vented since he offered an ear...or at least didn't turn the ears away. but yeah. so i layed down, watched an ecw ppv i got, relaxed, let my head throb to its oblivion, got diner came to the office to make a phone call and then the phone starts to fuck up on me...nothing is wanting to work. numbers aren't wanting to be dialed, then operaters aren't wanting to work....haven't called my ma in like 3 weeks and when i try it doesn't want to fucking work with me! then i get garman comin in with his little fag military cell with some fat lazy fuck who doesn't understand english or what "hello this is specialist kelley speaking" means cause he says hello and sits there like a fucking retard watching taffy get made! (i know i've watched taffy get made so don't say anything angel) so after about 5 minutes of fighting this guy for what the hell he wants he lets me know he has 4 kittens he needs me to take care of....great...this is exactly how i wanted my night to end...i know most people know me to not care for the feline species that much, because of past stories i've told, but hell it doesn't mean i like to kill them. there are some cats that have gotten me quite soft on the species and have looked into gettin one. so here i sit four kitten deaths now on my shoulders and a night still ahead of me...fucking yeah! sorry for a post like this. i'm sure some of you were hoping for something more, but really i've been in a slump since coming back. i really don't want to be here, and little things are starting to get to me more and more, and after seeing some of you and spending time with some i really don't want to be here. i want my fucking life back and its places like fucking kuwait that can drive you to insanity, or hanging out your car window and randomly caning the crap out of someone....oh fucking well. till next time. thats for letting me vent.

~frank the tank

2006-07-17T04:20:00.000-08:00

well its definitly been a long while since i last blogged. i've recieved a few emails from some of you that for some reason come to the tree. so first my apologies for taking so long to post for you all. i would say i would try better to keep up with the posting, but right now i'm in that...whatever, funk that i'm just coastin. having to return to this godforsaken place, after enjoying what felt like eternity back home really just bums you the fuck out. i did have a good time, even when i didn't do shit. hell not doin shit was such a release from the stressful rigors of this damn place. I wish I had more time there, and gotten to see everyone i wanted to see. but time was not on my side. but hell its over the hump, so i guess i should be happier that i'm on the downward slope to head back home right? a little bit yeah. i feel a tinge of excitement. but then again...do i really look forward to going back to washington...to a more batallion style of life...to a more field training unit to prepare for things like this. do i really want to go back to a somewhat normal life, when in essence i have gotten used to this...grown fond of it and the people i have come to know and spend time with. i don't really know. i mean some of those people i get to come home with, while others i won't see again. which is kinda the life of the army, but while i have come to accept that and was prepared for it...i just wasn't yet. i spent six months here. had a great time home. came back here, and no sooner than a week after my return, i learn that D and her unit is heading north. to the great fight. now alot of you don't know, but D and I broke up...well. she broke it off with me, and pretty much pissed me off with how she did it and handled everything else that came afterwards, but either way it doesn't take away my feelings for her, and the worry i have for her, and some of the other people i have grown to know and concider...as close to a friend as they can be. i was well prepared for three months down the line to see them leave, back to germany. but not this soon. not to where ever it is they are heading to in that area. i know i shouldn't worry too much, as i'm sure they'll be safe...well. some of them i'm sure. but which ones? which ones? and why does it have to be certain ones? why not all of them? hell, why do they have to go? there's really no reason for them to go there, but yet here they are. packed up. ready at a moments notice...and our goodbyes have been said, several several times. i am saddened. greatly. i feel like i could come to the brink of tears. no matter how it all happened, and how she handles herself i do care for the girl, and don't wish this upon her. nor any of the others. hell there was a time where i was asking everyone, from my command to other commands to pick me. to send me. i talked to a few techs over email to ask to switch. i wanted to go. i wanted my chance to stare death in the eyes and chance my fate. there was a time where i just simply didn't care anymore. where i wanted to die, and let my woes and pains disappear with those final breaths, as i look at the world through a new set of eyes with peace and serinity going through my coldening body. there was that time. and there still is to some degree. not for all those reasons, as i've begun to find myself again. i am getting stronger by the day...stronger...but it is also because of the people i associate myself with. i've been building my strength back on the shoulders of others till i can walk again...and i don't want to walk right now. not by myself. or at least not without everyone that i know and care about. why couldn't have been me? i'd gladly take the chance to do my part, so someone wouldn't have to. so someones loved ones wouldn't have to worry about them, or how they would come home...

so i sit. i wait. i say my goodbyes again and again. i keep my smile strong, and my attitude high for them. for them all. cause they need to be focused, they need to have an easy mind. i know that what i do is small...probably meaningless. but i try. maybe i try more for myself then for them. i dont' know. i just know that this is something i didn't want to come back to. i wasn't ready to deal with. i want them to go home, not where they are going to. why? why? they had three months left and now they have to go risk their lives. now it has been determined by some old nearly dead sumbitch that he feels the need to move this group of people, so close to going home away from this place, north to go fight a battle that really has lost all its meaning except to stay in it cause to pull out people would bitch about all we have lost, even though they don't see that the longer we stay, the more we loose because there really is nothing to gain except for a group of old people who think they know how to run a country feel better about themselves, or to get their name in a history book saying how chivalrious they were or whatever. make them feel better cause they were willing to put my friends into a great danger when they are supposed to be going home. if you are going to send us, do it from the start, not at the end. not when we have all stressed out here for nearly a year to only get orders that we are going to mobilize and go north, and probably get our deployment extended because of it.

I think i'll end this here, cause now i'm depressed and must find a way to lift myself...which means loosing myself in wrestling or video games cause thats all thats pretty much here. heh. yeah.

Life is just one damned thing after another ~ Elbert Hubbard

2006-07-03T05:17:00.000-08:00

well here i sit on the 3 of july, my final day in maryland, as i get ready to head back to san antonio tomorrow, and from there back to the great desert. i am so not ready for that. i sit here now thinkin on it all and i really am not ready for another six months back there, in that hell, away from everyone i know and love. it has been a great stay, even though i haven't been able to see everyone i wanted to see, or see some as much as i wanted. but time is limited, and there truly is only so much you can do in two weeks as i think on it and look back. i am greatly saddened. i wish i had the chance to hang out with specy more, or even have the chance for myself, specy, and rc to hang out like old times. its been quite some time since the three of us have had the chance to hang out and act a fool. then there's angel...i knew coming here that nothing could happen. nothing should happen. just reestablish lost relations, have a good time, and just enjoy each other. which i think we have. i know i have very much enjoyed my time with her. its been some time since i've felt this comfortable with her, and not delving too deep, mentally, into every word she says. i have been totally free feeling and just over all enjoying what little time i had with her, and i haven't regretted it since day one. i know she still has alot going on in her head as its evedent of such, and i am not pressuring her into a decision. i don't want her to rush into any thing. as it'll make everything that much worse. i told her to just do what she's doin think on things, and just go with the flow. i as well will continue to do what i am doing, and go with the flow. cause really i am being pulled away again for another 5, 6, 7 months so what would be the point of us trying to work things out and get back together. no point. at least not right now. we would end up again where we are now. and probably worse. no. the time would definitly kill any lost hope and promise we could have, if they haven't been all ready. so i wait. i am okay with that. i mean, don't get me wrong, i don't want to be divorced, i don't want to loose my marriage, i most of all don't want to loose her as my wife. i love her. unconditionally. i love her more than i am willing to admit at times. even through everything that we've been through, i know that there is something in there, something there that we had, that is worth saving. and i am willing to still fight for it and preserve it. but i know that i have to play the wait game. i have to let time decide wether or not we were meant to be. i've set out and done what i meant to do. if this is to be the end of us, as a couple, then we have a closure we can both be comfortable with and be happier with. as last years felt too fake. felt too forced. now we can be content with the knowledge we have, and with the memories we share. and if some day we do get the chance to do it over again. then we know where we went wrong, and what we need to work on, and what we need to do to help the other. we have the benefit of foresight now. but who's to say what time holds for us. i can't. she can't. no one can. so i sit. enjoy my life, and the experiences i've been given, and the ones i am and will go through. as i am a student of experience. thats how i've always proven myself to be above others. i've taken my experiences and those that others around me have gone through and learn. yes i may be a bit slow, and even if some things show me that i should stray away, and i trudge into it anyways, i will learn the hard way as well. cause i hope i can change things. i try to change things. but i thank those that have stayed by me, and helped me when i fell and i couldn't stand back up on my own. i love you all and will always be there for you. and angel. thank you for what you have given me. we weren't the most perfect of people, and alot of people didn't think we were good for each other, as they never saw us when we weren't at our best. (as one of us would ineventably show off and start an argument) but i believe we were perfect for each other, and only had room to grow. but then...maybe thats what we need now. a chance to grow. to be on our own, to fall by ourselves, to fend for ourselves...who knows. i will be there for you whenever you want me to be. i will take what i can get now. friend, companion, lover...where ever we go i will gladly follow. thank you for what we have shared. for the memories, good and bad. thank you for loving me, and giving me the chance to love you. who know's what the future holds.

Who's to say? I mean really.

~frank the tank

2006-06-23T06:49:00.000-08:00

well we are officially into what....the fifth day of my leave. and i have accomplished absolutely nothing. And in fact that is great. I mean i'm still runnin around tryin to appease my mom with my visit, and goin off to see various family members (as i would much rather just sit, relax, and not worry about seein every lil person.) i mean there are people i wish to see and will, but damn. let me relax fuckers. my ma just doesn't get that. i know she misses me, but hell, she still acts like i'm a lil 12 or 13 year old. hey. mom. grow the fuck up. I have. so yeah, i sware the next thing of leave i take, i'm just gonna go somewhere where i don't know anyone, and the only person i gotta worry about pleasin is me. cause damn, family just likes to fuck things up with all their lil needs and woes. back off people! so anyways. not much is goin on right now. i'm gonna be headin out to see specy tonight. get our drink on. maybe watch some fights. talk our shit on halo. maybe bring my brother over so they'll each meet someone new. it'll be fun. three dumb woe is me dudes sittin round drinkin with some ufc on. yeah. i forsee an eventful night. as its been close to a year since spec and i have actually hung out and drank with one another. you know. from the year of drama and local soap's. speakin of that year, angel and i have been talkin. it has all been real friendly and such. its been good talkin to her again. i've missed it. it was somethin we truly lost when we started hatin on each other. i plan on goin up to DC for a few days come next week, see her, and hopefully RC. we'll see. anyways. off i go to finish my fourth beer of the mornin, and possibly get ready to start on the whisky. hell i know its only 10, and i'm good with that. not like i gotta work anytime soon.
peace and chicken grease,
~frank the tank

2006-06-07T02:13:00.000-08:00

well we are at the 11 day and counting mark till i make my dramatic and long awaited return back home. thats right you fuckin turds. space mountain is comin home, and i'm gonna make sure i do somethin at least worthwhile and exciting. i got my boy specy to hang out with, and my lil bro. which i think the three of us might have to head out drinkin, four if i can find my friend brad, but definitly the three of us. nothin too hard, don't want to get queeny mad at me and her lil man. then i got a friend of mine from out here who is headin home a few days after i do, and she's plannin a trip out to vegas. i told her if she'd like some company, id go as i've never been and i need an excuse to get heavily fucked up and hell vegas seems like the place to do it since everyone else has been, excluding me. bastards. i might end up headin back up north to pick up a few things and my truck...god i miss that thing. who knows. but plans are now bein made, and hopefully some of them go through. at least all the ones dealin with alcohol as i really really need to get my liver back to where it was. its been hell lettin that lil fucker grow back. i mean come on. who needs a liver? i mean really.
so i read specy's last lil blog, and i'm glad he's happy. its about time he found himself someone that can pull himself out of his lil hole of despair and anguish. so yeah. queeny. don't fuck my boy up or i'll have to find a girl to kick yer ass, cause i don't approve of hittin chicks...unless its with my car then i physically won't be doin it...so yeah the possibilities are endless. kiddin. all smiles. but yeah. just one thing that irked me bout his last lil post...my name was all lower case when everyone else had at least their first letter capitalized...where's the love spec? whats up you lil bastard. you don't care bout me as much. that blows ass dude. after all that snugglin and tender lovin i gave ya. i see how it is.
but yeah. hungry. bored. headin to lunch to solve one of those things. so you fuckers have a good one. i'll chat laters

and if y'all haven't noticed, i've put a funny lil video down at the bottom of the tree for your viewing tard pleasures. Please enjoy.

and if you read this kat, you need to send me your number. you never put it in your email, plus you take just as long as i do to email people. now i know how everyone feels.

peace and chicken grease
~frank the tank

2006-06-01T18:35:00.000-08:00

okay, now that everything has settled, and talked about between her and myself, and aparently her and youngblood as well, things calmed and were worked out. i won't put up the shit we talked about, mostly cause i'm so fuckin exhausted and dehydrated right now i just really don't care to write that long. but yeah D and I are dating again. Like I said we talked about things, a couple or so times. Which I am happy about. Youngblood, known as peevler duece, or chief if i type that in someday, talked to her he wouldn't go into detail, just kinda hinted around somethiings she said if we happened to hit on the subjects when he and i talked. So he's been helpin me out. Which is good, cause i really like having her around. I love seein her and makin sure she's happy. I'm not that hard of a person. If yer happy, then I'm happy. So I gotta make sure I can give her as good of three weeks as I can before I leave on my R&R. I'm lookin forward to this. A few people I really want to see and hang out with. I just wish I could bring her down as well. Thats the one thing thats gonna make those two weeks suck. So yeah, that department is good again. The board I won...i guess. The board members said i did good, but i was like yeah whatever. but i get to look forward to a quarter board now...oh and my promotion board has been pushed back to august as of yesterday evenin. between indecisive dates, and in case i end up havin alot of things to do dealing with my divorce, to where i couldn't get much studyin in on R&R, it was safer to push me to august. so yeah. so much to look forward to here. but yeah. i gotta get goin. fixin to head out to work. i'll post more laters, or sometime in the future. no promises. so tired. peace out everyone

~frank the tank

2006-05-27T04:47:00.000-08:00

well here we sit, the end of our lil organizational day down at blessed arif jan, and awaitin my chance to embarass myself at the board. yipee! i'm so excited. course my head is throbbing...i think im a bit dehydrated...my arms are red and hurtin...and i feel a lil sick. ah well. mandantory fun day is over. so now comes the best part. the last bit of studyin and sleep...hopefully lots of it. course after i call D. of course. but its great. i'm the only one goin to the damn thing, so i am the gaurenteed winner unless i fuck up that bad, which i can't allow myself to do cause i need to show that i am capable of goin to the promotion board in june before i leave so i can get my (P) status. fuck i hate boards. i kinda wish spec was here cause he's good at this shit and would be a big help with it, even though i never gave him the time of day with it back in maryland, i could really use his help now. the man knows his board shit. fuck i hate nerds who can read and retain. just kiddin spec. but yeah. i don't feel like writin much, just wanted to check in and let everyone know what was goin on. i hope all is well with everyone, and it is now under a month till i get to go home and get my liver back to where its supposed to be. it doesn't feel right, growin back and all. so yeah. take care you fucks and i'll update later. probably tomorrow...well more 'n likely tomorrow. as i'll have nothin to do till D gets home from her trip off base. so i'll have to have somethin to do between gettin back, prolly bein pissed all to hell, and playin quake 4, or oblivion...or ghost recon...or nappin...or whatever.
peace and chicken grease
~frank the tank

2006-05-23T20:19:00.000-08:00

well i get the pleasantry of findin out yesterday, way later yesterday, that the board is back on and i need to keep studyin. so i get to miss most of the day of studyin cause i was just pissed off, then they tell me i need to keep studyin cause the sumbitch is still gonna happen on sunday. well fuck me. i sware i hate people who act like they know what they are doin when they are in charge and supposed to be runnin the show. bunch of fuckin turds. so yeah thats the most curren update. i'll probably post more later if anything goes on. which who knows with the military. anything can happen. but yeah, off to breakfast and back to the books. peace out bitches.

~frank the tank

2006-05-22T21:51:00.000-08:00

just a quick post to bitch about the retardation that i slightly mentioned yesterday. well it seems today (its a good thing i checked in with country while he was up here) was the actual board that we were supposed to go to...and not the 28th...today...the 23rd...somewhere there was a lapse in fuckin brain power, and the tards down south decided to switch the date or send us the wrong one in the first place and we are all fucked up lookin now. cause aparently they called up lookin for gspot wonderin where we were at...and aparently a lil angry about us not bein there too. this to me is just fuckin great (smell the sarcasm). that means i won't be able to go to the month board till july after i get back, which means i won't be able to go to the promotion board in june like planned...nope that sumbitch has been pushed back till august now, cause of the fuckin tards down south fuckin shit up. and seriously. people wonder why i don't give a shit. why should i. i can't get a command, who's superiors, the ones runnin the show above the bucks and juniors can't fuckin pull their heads outta their asses long enough to catch some fresh air to see the anarchy they are causing. fuckin hell. just shoot yourselves you dumbass oxygen theives. fuck! well there's my gripes...oh besides all that D had a good lil 6 mile road march this mornin which messed her up all to hell. she says she's havin trouble movin about now. (she just got off profile like three weeks ago for a really bad ankle injury that never really healed properly) so yeah. i'm pissed off at them fuckin up my chances of gettin promoted some time before we left this fuckin hell hole, and now D is hurtin and there's nothin i can do for her from here. I really don't give a shit about the class i'm supposed to be doing now. i mean hell. why try to get all these promotion points and shit if things just ain't gonna happen. hell i was originally supposed to go to the month board in april and the promotion board in may...and it just keeps gettin pushed back. fuckin hell i'm so goddamn pissed off at the bullshit that is just runnin rampant through military commands these days. and people wonder why i hate everyone and everything. cause you jackoff's are fuckin idiots. just retire and get the hell outta here. quit makin it so hard on all of us that are tryin to care about this piece of shit! anyways i gotta go show face in this class now...i guess. who care's really. piece out bitches. hope y'alls week is goin good and everyone is at least havin an easy time.

~frank the tank

2006-05-21T23:30:00.000-08:00

welcome back to another post here on the tree. currently i find myself at our nothern camp where i shall be for the rest of the week. doin various training things and such. but its cool. its like a mini vacation away from all the hell and retardation known as my command. i sware the people i work for have nothin better to do than to make everyone's....or it seems like just mine...life a livin hell. idiots the fuckin lot of em. i'd like to go into detail, but security prohibits such things, and i don't want to take the chance of sayin something they might consider wrong. as they are a lil upity when it comes to shit, that doesn't come from the media first. again another group of idiots.
but anyways its been like what four, five, six says since my last post. i can't remember. haven't checked the fucker. but either way its been a good set number of days. i've felt better these days than the entire five months of bein stuck here. its been great havin someone around to talk to and joke around with, and someone that just makes you feel special, ya know. which makes this next week suck worse cause i've gotten rather use to seein her every night and hangin out with her, that now i'm sittin here with really no one to talk to. sucks fuckin ass. but i guess it'll give me time to study for my board comin up next at the end of this week. another wonderful event to look forward too, if you can't see my sarcasm. i'll have enough time to get back this week, take a shower...hopefully see D for a few hours thursday night...hopefully friday if she has off, cause friday night i'm headin out again down south for my board, and various other things. and from there i won't get to be back till...shit. close too if not after the turn of the new month. thats like what a week and a half to two weeks without gettin to see her. then after all that i got two more weeks till i get to go and see that lil spec we all know and love. the big private killer. then i'll have five months left after i return here. five months. seems so long right now. ah wells. i gotta get goin. back to class, and or sleep. whichever i can do first. till next time.
peace and chicken grease
~frank the tank

2006-05-17T10:39:00.000-08:00

well here goes. i guess this can be my reply to rc and his master...the MRLF. I understand the whole just leave it at friendship and/or fuck buddy thing, because of the rebound. and i really have thought long and hard on everything. i've been doin nothin but thinking. hence why i'm up to like 2 to like 3 pacs of cigerettes a day. i have really beaten myself up over this whole thing. but her and i talked the other night, bout everything that has gone on, other peoples intakes that i have talked to, and what good ole peevduece said to her once i left the room. he had aparently jumped down her throat sayin that she better not be playin me and that he doesn't want her around and doesn't like her and all that. which i'm cool with a bit you know. i mean, he prolly coulda been calmer, but its nice to know that i got someone out here lookin out for me. i give him props. but thats what got us talkin cause she was pissed off at him and i bothered her till she told me why she was mad at him, which then insued a bunch of other quesitons on my part and us conversin on everything. and like i said i have been thinkin alot about everything. rebounds, fuckbuddy's, all that other crap. and i know i don't want fuck buddy's, i told her such. i'm not out for sex. i dont want to be friends with benefits because to me right now that just lessons how i feel about myself even more than what i feel all ready. i need something to make me feel important, feel special, feel like i am needed and loved. its something i've been missing. something i've been needing for quite some time now, as i've felt my own self worth go down over the past close to a year. so we talked and decided to see each other, see where things go. and yes i do feel a some guilt, because yes i still am technically married, and i do still have feelings for angel as thats something that'll never go away. but...i don't know. the feeling of being needed and just havin someone there, around is great. i don't like feeling the way i have been and was gettin worse with as the days and months dragged on. i hated who i was becoming and didn't give a shit on fixin it because who else would care. who gives a fuck. but now i have a focus. something that isn't the dark and dreary with constant suicidal thoughts, that has become my life. i have someone who enjoys my company, instead of finding a place to run to. i mean she as well doesn't appreciate my tard and racial jokes, and i'm sure other ones that are in my uncooth repertoire, but thats cool. i can watch what i joke about. but you catch my meaning. i'm gettin a feeling of self importance again, of like i am truly worth a damn and just someone that is unfortunately still there. anyways i gotta get goin. gotta teach the duece how to use a dvd burner...more on my story later. but yeah, for everyones reference when i refer to D, or my lil D, she'll be who'm i'm talkin about. more more more laterz. have a good day y'all. miss everyone. specy i love ya man. see ya in a month.

~frank the tank

2006-05-13T04:14:00.000-08:00

okay i've had a few people ask whats goin on, and instead of replyin individually...or at least to the majority, i'm just gonna post whats all goin on, and just wait for any reprecussions that come my way.

as r.c. and spec know, there's been this one girl that i have been talkin too. she's been tryin to talk to me about everything thats been goin through my head, as i do have some bad days up here, where i'm not the cheerful joking playin person everyone knows me to be, and these past two weeks i've been more or less not that person. i have my moments, but they are far and few between. so she's been hangin around with me more, and we've been talking more. about my problems and hers, (as with every person in the military, we all seem to have relationship problems). but like i said we've been talkin alot. durin work, some days after work, till whenever one of us calls it quits for the night. its been good. havin someone else to talk to. not just having a female to talk to, but someone else with a different perspective and view on what i have goin on. which is what i think i've been needin, i mean besides the few of you who read this (namely my boys and there girls), there's only two people who really know what is goin on and truly how i feel on my situation. gspot and peevler duece. g is pretty much the type says i just need to go out and hit anything that moves and be done with it. you know, hit it quit it....which is i guess a usually viable option, but really not one i'm interested in. i'm as perverted and as sex hungry as they come, but i really have no interest of throwin myself out there. just really doesn't do it for me. but anyways, thats his stance on it. peevduece doesn't really have much of a stance. he makes his jokes, but retracts. as he doesn't really have much experience himself to go off of, he just mostly lends that friendly ear, and has stated as such. so i've been talkin to her, sharing stories of our pains and woes. its been good. havin someone else to talk to.

so thursday comes along. and she comes to hang out with our lil group, and we are all havin a good time. spec would know if he remembered me from wednesday. but yeah we are all goofin, watchin tv, havin a good time. and she and country get up to go pee and he ends up kinda givin her a playful push and she falls to where im sittin. and those who know me know how awkward i can get, so i'm just tryini to make my wise comments and jokes, make sure she's good, and help her up. and she kisses me...on the lips...

so yeah. so okay, i'll say here, that i do find her attractive, and i am finding myself for having feelings for her, but i have been focusing more on friendship and handling other matters, as that is alot more stuff i feel i don't need to get into. but...i don't know...my head immediately kicked into full, and i didn't know what to think...but i did loose control of myself...i really didnt want it to stop. i liked it. but it did, and my head immediately went somewhere. i just know i didn't know what to do so i vanished, smoked thought and went to a friends room to chat. cool my head off you know...so yeah. everyone was pissed that i dissapeared, mostly her, but peevduece and country didn't know what was goin on cause i told them how i've been handling everything else so far, and how bad my head is spinning....but yeah. nothing happened, its just people bein concerned i guess. but yeah i end here. gotta go amuse a colonel.

peace and chicken grease

~frank the tank

2006-05-11T22:39:00.000-08:00

well its been almost another week...well like half a week but still. just one more down and not many more to go till i make specy get off his lazy halo playin ass and do somethin, even if its let me play halo and ruin his score. (thats right bitch, i'm comin to ruin ya!) but yeah anyways i hope all is fine with everyone. i had a good night last night...well at least towards the end. i ended up gettin a couple...well namely one person really pissed off at me, as i kinda disapeared without tellin anyone where i was goin. which isn't usually out of the ordinary, but after some of the conversations we were havin i guess...you know some of the shit i write on here that i don't want too many people i know to know about...i guess they were a little freaked out. as i was gone for awhile, and upset, and really not in the....clearest of minds as one would say. but yeah alot of things were and still are going on in my head that as of right now i don't know if i want to right them here yet. i don't know. i know who pretty much reads this, and i don't care (thats why y'all know about it) but i just need some answers first i guess...some more pinpoint conclusions on what the hell is all going on, in my head and outside of it. but yeah. i'll end up tellin you (r.c. and specy) on the phone next i call, you know i can't leave my boys fully out. but till then everyone be safe and healthy. till the next we meet.

~frank the tank

2006-05-08T00:04:00.000-08:00

Well its been like what a week or somethin like that since i've last updated....haven't checked. too fuckin lazy too check at that. but yeah not much has been goin on since the last update. I got a chance to talk to RC which was cool. i haven't been able to hear from him since i left my two week visit back in november last year. it was good to hear from him, and about what his next few months are to be like with the u.s. wide child trade him and his girl got goin on. i wish i was able to get down to san antonio sooner so i could see everyone at one time, cause we'd fuckin rock that damn place, but unfortunately the great bushmaster reunion will have to wait till another day. So it'll be up to specy and myself to have to do what we can to make up for there only bein two of us...which i think we can manage. i should be a real cheap drunk there for the first....couple days. then i should be back at normal. hopefully...we shall see.

anways like i said not much has been goin on up here. peev duece got back from his leave the other day and hearin him tryin to put together some sort of personal life just amazes me. i hope i was never that dumb with the ladies, as this boy just has no common sense or any idea on how to handle them. that and any advice he seeks out, willingly, he turns away from cause its not what he wanted to hear so he goes back to what he was previously doin. dear god, shoot me now. this boy needs help. and bad.

country is...country. what can i say bout him. i love the guy. pretty fuckin hilarious and very down to earth. makes me miss my boys back home all that much more. spec, rc, and uhh...shmeegle i guess we'll call him since we are on the bases of nicknames here. but yeah. country is a pretty awesome fucker. i'd tell ya more on what him and i are up to but that'll be stories for when i come home.

personnaly i'm doing good. i'm finding myself thinking on my situation a little less, as i try to find some positives...still tryin to find them but the attempt is more or less keepin me busy. i got almost just a month left and i can't wait to get home. seein old faces and friends. drinking...ahh goddamn the drinking. real fuckin american food, not just some cheap greased up kuwaiti knockoffs. its gonna be great. ah well i should get goin as i am just ramblin now. just wanted to update, cause i promised rc i would try harder to post more, since he's been the beast of burden on keepin the bloggin alive for our group. so yeah peace out bitches.

~frank the tank

2006-05-02T07:25:00.000-08:00

well here we are. almost five months down. my how time has flown, and so much enjoyment and pain has with it as well. i really don't know where to start, or where to go, i just felt like writing. i guess a way to see my thoughts that have been bangin around in my head for the past week or so. i'm tryin to move on...for those that have kept pace you know what i mean, for those that haven't, then please backtrack cause i really don't feel like rehashin it. but yeah, i'm tryin to pick myself up and find something...anything to not make the darkness so suffocating. some days are good, some are not. but i'm tryin. i wonder at times if i'm wrong for doing so. for trying to force myself to give up and move on. i think that its supposed to be a gradual thing. something that one would have to go through and take their time with and learn from, but i don't want to. i don't want to wade my way through it. i've been doin that for awhile now. i just want to be free of the pains as quick as possible. am i wrong for trying to cheat myself out it i guess. am i wrong for forcing myself to say fuck it...i don't know. i feel i need to. i can't keep myself suffering over something that i'm the only one suffering from. i'm holding onto something thats not there, and i'm continually asking myself why...and then why not. but no. no more. i can't. its hurtin me too much to keep doing so. to pretend to everyone i live with that my world is a happy place and that i'm content with everything. my true face has been showing. my malcontent for everyone's so called god, for the hands people are dealt unfairly by the cruel bitch known as fate....my pesimistic ways are showing harder and harder...and too some people i don't wish to show them too...there are some that i've started to try to confide in...kinda like a handle to keep myself standing upright on the slippery floors of my sanity...but i'm starting to be angry again. hateful. pushy. i'm becoming the me that was hard to like back in maryland, at least the final year...the me that i hated...i find it hard to not be angry. i hurt like hell the other day as i really truly thought on everything again. it showed. everyone was awkward around me, and really didn't talk to me much...which is okay, i didn't want to. one person tried though. she knows a little bit of the situation, but not much cause...i don't know. i just don't want to tell her. don't want to be a sobbing idiot or show how much of an emotional box of hell i am. so i just sat back and smoked, and joked, and played the face, played the actor that all like, a me more tolerable. but she's asked, and i've avoided. my world is so spun out, i don't know what i really truly doing anymore. am i using my hurt as a crutch now because i was always this way, just good enough to hide it from myself? am i truly used to being like this? i don't want to believe that. i was happy before...several times throughout my life. i've found happiness before. can i find it again? i have friends. i believe i have some of the best friends one could ask for. people that i concider to be more family than most of my real family. and they have been very good at putting up with this all. with my rollercoaster effect. they've been awesome at trying to lift me up and help show me the way out of the turmoil i am in, as best they can. they all know more about me than my real family. they've all seen me at my best and my worst. they've accepted that. never once have i been pushed away, though i've tried to push them away at times. i've shoved against them all. i think thats the one thing that has been the best help for me most of all. the one thing that has made me feel less important and truly unwanted or unneeded. i thank you all. i love you all. i truly don't know what i would do or be like without any of you as you all hold your own special place in my heart and in my life. thank you for bearing with me through this, and the constant questioning of my actions, but i truly am trying to put my foot forward now. trying to make plans, and put forth the effort of something of a future. i'm tryin to get back to my live for the day by the day attitude, as i know thats what made me comfortable. i must go, i have to check on someone now, and get back to my room before the rains come. thank you all. till next we all meet.

~frank the tank

2006-05-01T10:45:00.000-08:00

Here's some more pics for you fuckin bastards. And the Esmeralda ones that I could get off my camera. The dude that is throwin the double hellos is country. our new roomie up here. Enjoys till i can take more and post.

~Frank the Tank

2006-04-30T03:17:00.005-08:00

holy shit. sorry for the wait y'all. didn't realize how much time has passed, and i've been havin comp problems as of late. between the work computers bein pieces of shit, and my personnal one takin a crap on me for some strange reason, its been hard to get on here as of late, only like bits at a time. but yeah, here are some of the latest pics. they are of the aquarium we got to go to at some science center. the esmeralda pics will come up laters, as i haven't gotten them uploaded yet. enjoy...or not. but i hope all is goin well for you all back home. miss y'all, and lookin forward to seein as much of y'all as i can in a couple months. take care, and be safe.

~frank the tank

2006-04-21T20:17:00.000-08:00

what up bitches. just lettin you all know that with the new song will come more postin. just not right now. later today after work, as i gotta get headin off. just stoppin in real quick like. esmeralda has had a couple of busy nights and she will be postin her pics up here on the tree later as well. fuckin dirty whore that she is. but yeah. have a good one all, as its friday night...or saturday mornin...not sure but i'm sure everyone is drinkin or at least specy is cause he won't reply on his msn messenger, what a fuckin turd. anyways. be back laters with pics and shit. peace bitches.

~frank the tank

2006-04-10T07:41:00.000-08:00

well i have like two months left to go till my brief return back to san antonio. i know i should be more excited, but unfortunatly at the moment i'm not. i mean don't get me wrong it'll be good to see some friends again...but it isn't what i was wishing for as an r&r visit back four months ago. so much has gone on, and so much time has passed since certain events, and i still find myself lost...hoping for something, or someone to just take me away from the pain and mysery i constantly find myself in. i had such good hopes of comin home...somewhere...and seein angel...and now i dont have that. i don't have that truly special someone to look forward to seeing and holding again. no offense to specy and any others that read this that i may be seeing, but thats a void that not just friendship or family can fulfill. i don't know why i'm still clinging onto this, and draggin myself through the mud. but too me, for me, four years is a long time. i haven't had very many relationships that went that long...just one that i can think of...and that was one that ended bitterly as well...i dont know. i love her. i want her...i hate me. i guess its just my time of the month or somethin...who the fuck knows...anyways i really don't want to type anyomre. just figured i'd check in. gonna go for a run, and hopefully hurt my knee more. pain is good. hope all is well with y'all. peace out

~ frank the tank

2006-04-06T10:39:00.000-08:00

Well its been like what a week since i last visited the tree, to see all my lil nuts. its been an up and down week, per say. i wouldn't have great moments, just spots that weren't bad. between our version of peevler bein a fuckin peevler, then i had to put down 5 pups a couple days ago. which wasn't so bad, if they wouldn't have been puppies...like about 4 month old pups. and of course the two that i got to euthanize gave off a final cry on their last breath. well thank you! as if i didn't feel bad enough for doin the deed, i didn't need to hear that....twice. what sucked worse is that three of em looked like my dog from back in maryland...so that made me feel even more worse. then peevler duece just can't shut the fuck up and stop bein such a dumbfuck. so yeah. fuckin great!
so yeah other than that we got our new corpral a few days ago. all i got to say is he's an interestin lil fucker. this man is like total fuckin redneck stylie. straight out the fuckin woods of alabama, and a good ole country boy accent. fucker is hilarious. its good havin a hick up here. i mean its definitly different havin the new guy but he's makin his own niche. but we definitly miss you invader zimm!!
so yeah, thats pretty much how this week is gone. i'm glad i'm sort of bein takin out of the in charge loop. i hate bein in charge. i don't think i'm that good of a leader unless i'm pissed then i just want to beat the hell outta people. i'm more of like, hey we're a team lets come to a decision and work it out together and just make do. i hate bein the soul decision maker and "chief" per say. so yeah its good havin him here cause now peevler duece is his problem, and i can go back to bein on the sidelines and watchin the carnage.
anyways thats it for now i think...my boy chad back in s.a. is graduatin from his advance training today...i believe. this was the date he told me, course he was drunk as hell at the time but thats the date so congrads if he did it and have fun drinkin tonight. and i'm sure chris will be with him in all the drunkeness and so by all means drink some for me fuckers!!!! i'll make up for it in june!
one of these days i'll get some pics up. i got some of gspot sleepin outside where we do some of our truck inspections. so till then. peace and chicken grease

~frank the tank

2006-04-01T09:28:00.000-09:00

Well happy fools day! This has got to be one of the worst april fools days i've ever had. no jokes, no pranks...nothing done with this most special of occasions. Ah well. Tomorrow's gspots bday so I believe esmeralda will be makin her rounds and wishin him a good one. ha. plastic dolls are fun....errr...uhh..yeah i'll stick to that.
but anyways. this weeks been almost uneventful. more driving around. and such. friday i ended up havin to go down to one of our southern camps to take care of some stray animals...and in meaning of takin care of them i mean euthanizing them. which i usually don't have a problem with. i like euthanasia...i'm sick that way i guess. but this one sucked because i had to put down 5 kittens, because they were abandoned by their mother, and weren't even old enough to walk about yet. fucking hell that sucked. like specy said. its different from the lab...back their it was so much easier, it was like a whatever type of deal. but now its a bit different. i mean i didn't have to put up with owners cryin and what not, but for some reason there was the fact that it was these stupid little kittens that were pretty much not given a chance yet. so between that and everyone takin vacations i've been the only tech for kuwait till a couple days ago, with no vets. and it just happens to be one of those weeks where every little fuckin animal has a problem. so i was tryin to do two jobs at once, and try to remember some of my basic tech skills, which is hard, because i've never really been much of a tech...unless it was back at the lab..but even then, i had specy so there was never really that much of a need to break lazy habits and inopportune smoke breaks. so yeah. tryin to teach yerself on the go on shit you don't even know sucks ass, but i guess i should've known this shit all ready so there shouldn't be any excuses.
but yeah, really not much else besides peevler jr over here actin like a fuckin retard every now and then...well probably more than that, but it does't matter. he's a good kid, but so fuckin retarded most of the time it just fuckin urks me to want to choke the shit outta the boy.
its good to see that cd(cockdancer) little stint in her part of the great desert is almost over and she'll be headin home soon. which'll be awesome for all of us that read their lil blogs in hopes of seein other stuff instead of them tryin to communicate over blogs with the same i love you's repeated for three quarters of the page. (kiddin :) )
but no really, good to see she's headin back, and hopefully some day to the great S. of A. to rejoin her little child in the great american idle watches....specy...watching american idol....wow how fagged out have you become. and on the other side of the news, MRLF???'s cooter is feeling much better, and is about ready to suit back up and head back to the war known as invasion of the elephant cock. i sware RC has got to have some jew in him, because those jews are packin. you can kill this guy who is said to be gods son, and somehow they get blessed with the horse cocks. fuckin baffling really. i need to go kill a savior or somethin. i need some blessin people!! so yeah anyways. it's drawin closer to the good time of hittin the sack, and i mean the bed. you fuckin perv's. but prolly a little bit more of the great 360 before hand. great system for all those that don't have one yet. definite recommend.
peace out bitches. have a good april fools, and good......whatever else.
try to post more pictures later on...i think i've only gotten one since the last time, but i'm workin on some more.

~Frank The Tank

2006-03-29T01:58:00.000-09:00

Not much to update at the moment. i'm pretty fuckin tired and just want to go back to bed, which is where i'm fixin to head off too. but i got some pics up for y'all so enjoy what little they are.

Esmeralda and her G-Spot (aka Garman)

aaahhh the new school. I was havin alot of trouble blowin her up from all the laughin myself and youngblood were doing while seeing this creature come to life for our dining pleasures.

a stadium the kuwaiti's are currently in the process of building. i'm tryin to get a better pic at the moment. but its a pretty nice lookin stadium from how close we usually get.

this pic is because of some fuckin retard that decided to drive around in circles really fast while something was on fire in the back of his truck. needless to say, retards are still as prominent in other countries as they are in the states.

some camel walkin beside us while we were headin north on one trip

the desert at night. i figured the damn moonlight would make it brighter, but apparently the desert is totally against having fucking light at night

During a sandstorm. I was probably about twenty yards away from those stone walls. we had gotten a really bad one about two nights ago to where you couldn't even see like 5 feet infront of ya.

but yeah. i'll get around to postin some lackluster events thats been goin on. just fuckin exhausted and my knee is killin me. till then you all keep safe. have fun, and have lots of sex!

peace and chicken grease
~frank the tank

2006-03-27T07:22:00.000-09:00

sorry for no postings, i meant too yesterday,but i ended up banging this shit outta my knee and pretty much makin my night into a sit down and concentrate on not hurtin. i'll try to post again laterz. it might be awhile before i am able to post pics and shit because our stupid fuckin military connection blocked my sites that i use so i'll have to find another way. so yeah. try postin again laterz.

~frank the tank

2006-03-19T19:24:00.000-09:00

well i'm sure it doesn't seem it but i've been tryin to avoid internet use alot as of late...at least as much as i can. just still so much going through my head...i think. just thoughts on angel...alot of peoples number one hated person. which i'm not gonna stop anyone from hating her, its everyone's own perogative on how they feel. i mean i know she doesn't like having people feel that way about her, who would. i know i would care if it was out of my select group, but other than that i really don't give two shits. fuck the rest of the world as one would say. but i'm straying her...i guess. alot of my thoughts have been on her as of late. which would probably piss specy off once he reads this, and i'm sorry dude, i still love her and would gladly take her back if she chose to come back to me. you know you're my boy, my friend, a heterosexual life partner if you would.

anyways i've been thinking alot on her. i've called her a couple times, had some really good conversations and such, and no i'm not letting those little things get my hopes all up in the air. its just nice things to have again. we know so much about each other, and we were always able to just sit there and talk about nothing in general and enjoy it. and thats what its been like. nothing really much to talk about, but we have talked and it was pretty good. quite enjoyable. i miss that. i miss her, and the relaxness i get when i loose myself because of her.

like i said i'm not lettin my hopes go sky high, or anywhere near that. now i am hoping for things, i won't lie, and i'm throwin a comment out there now and then to her hinting at such...well probably not hinting but as close as i can get without comin right out and sayin it...i think. i am hoping for...something. and it is with her. it would always be a hope for her.

~Frank the Tank

2006-03-17T19:36:00.000-09:00

Rest...I think not!
Well my body hates me today...well mostly anything from the waste down. I decided to do a 5k run yesterday...and for those that know i have a profile against running, and have had such for the past three years or so. Well me doing this fucking st. patty's day run must've been one of the dumbest fucking decisions i've made in a long time. i did good on the run. don't get me wrong. for not running in three or so years i managed to run it in 29 minutes...so three miles in that amount of time isn't too bad i think for me. and the good part is was that i wasn't in alot of pain afterwards or during. besides my lungs crying out for a cigerrete to help them open up...or maybe screaming because i was tryin to smoke a cigerrete, either way that was my only real problem. Well lets just say tryin to get out of bed this morning was a fucking miracle. Besides my muscles killing me, my fucking knee is all swollen and pissed off all to hell...yeah, good job me. Lets do a fuckin 5k. While yer at it just take this rubber malet and smash yer balls because you are too fucking stupid to be raisin kids. So its gonna be an interestin day tryin to get around and jumpin in and out of trucks. and the funny thing is is that i'm prolly gonna do it again...and again and again. I'm determined to loose more weight and go back home lookin better than what i left. i've already lost 20 pounds last i checked which was a couple months ago, and it looks like i've lost a little bit more. i've put some muscle back on, so i'm headin in the right direction so far. i don't know why i care too, but i guess i gotta have some goal while bein out here. anyways i gotta go. good luck in SA specy with all your little wetankles. RC...some of your toys have come in very handy, and of course the GIT-R-DONE hat was just awesome. been wantin one. but yeah peace bitches.
till i bitch again
~frank the tank

2006-03-15T01:25:00.000-09:00

well not much has gone on since...what was it the 11th? still travelin up and down kuwait alot, and hopefully will be stopping that soon, but it doesn't look like I got much of a chance of that happening. 6 out of nine days i've spent most of it at our headquarters camp, and that wasn't 6 in a row, that was like every other day just about. So i'd drive down, do my thing, drive back, do my thing here, then drive back down...so on and so forth. Sucks ass.
But anyways talked to family back home a couple days ago, and that was good. Bout an hour long conversation. My brother is goin through relationship issues, that his girl has been callin her x and hangin out with someone at nights. She doesn't say, she just says she's with her sister, but when he checked up on that, by actually drivin to her sisters, she wasn't there, and her sis never saw her and she wasn't at her parents. So they look to be on the outs cause she's a dumb fuckin slut who can't shut her fuckin legs. I've had wierd feelings bout her for quite sometime now and her sluttin ways are provin me right, but I never told my bro anything. I'm just like, I can feel your pain dude and don't let it get to ya. Ditch the bitch and move on. So he's hurtin, from what my ma says, but acts cool and unharmed when talkin to me. So its gonna be an interesting scenario when I go home in June, if she's still around. I might just have to lay a verbal beating on her...i'm pretty good at that from what i'm told.
So yeah really no other problems back on that front. Which sucks, but then again he's gonna have to learn at some point. This is pretty much his first serious relationship since he's started to try to straighten himself out and start growing up. So it does suck big time for him because she was there for alot of it, but most women are evil and they have their own agenda.

2006-03-11T08:42:00.000-09:00

FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!! God I wish something highly explosive would be lobbed over into my direction. Just end my pain and fucking stupidity, so I can stop constantly hurting myself over and over and over again. God! Fuck!! I hate my life! I hate myself! Fuck I hate love! Its filled with nothing but falseness and total let down! I'm on the phone at the moment with guess who??? I'll give ya a sec.........................

Yeah. Its Angel. I decided to call her, for some fucking reason. I wish I knew, I really did so I can go ahead and fucking stab myself or hell chamber a round and blow the back of my head off!!

Why does love do this to people?? Why do I keep doing this to myself? God I love her voice. Especially when she laughs, and she does this cute little childlike voice. Makes me want to cry out to her and hold her and just fucking....AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

I hate my life. I just wish things were different...or...FUCK!!!

GODDAMNIT I LOVE HER!!! I CAN'T HAVE HER!!!! WHY CAN'T I GET OVER HER!!!! Why can't those fuckin Iraq's just come and kill me to help me out of this mysery I have found myself in and am having too much trouble getting out of...

2006-03-10T06:46:00.000-09:00

Well we dropped off Zimmerman...Tracy as I shall refer to her from now on in any other posts. Garman and I took her south for her to get ready for her flight back to the states...It was very sad indeed. I mean, I never saw her back when we were stateside. I stuck to my own...chatted with people every now and then, and left for home when released, and drank my ass off till I had to go back to work. So I never made time to had friends. I mean with everything going on in my life at that time I didn't want any friends. I was in the midst of a relationship that I was tryin to fix...hell a fuckin marriage I was tryin to fix...and I was having bad times with various friends because of it. So I didn't want anyone else to be burdened with my problems, and I really didn't want anyone to bother me. I was content being by myself, and trying to kill myself every day with various pills and four or so bottles of whisky and vodka a week. I didn't give a shit. So yeah, but coming here, we all had no choice but to make friends or be miserable with each other. Now Tracy and I didn't hit it off too well. She was upset about bein this far from her son and family, and I was upset about bein this far from Angel after we started to, seemingly, put our marriage back together and fix things. Well after a little head butting and everyone feeling each other out, we became decent friends, and later better friends...at least thats how I felt. I really did like her and havin her around. She was good for a laugh, and put up with my ridiculous perverted comments, and occasional flirty ways...why? I'm not sure, didn't care. I was making people laugh with my childlike ways and to me thats all that mattered. I was able to help keep people's minds off of situations they had goin on for a brief moment, and get them to laugh at my expense. But today....or 10 March if I don't get this posted today...We had to leave one of our own behind. It was very sad. I understand the circumstances, and I wish for the best. I hope she faces no problems along her way. But I, and Garman, weren't ready to see her go. To Garman, besides being a good person, she was a damn good soldier, and he liked that. He said he hadn't seen anyone as squared away and motivated and all around good at being themselves and Army in a long time. For me, it was a good distraction. For certain moments out of the day, I didn't have to think of home(s), my mystery future, my woes, my sorrows, my saddness at a life with the one I love and a hopeful family that I'll never get to have....I was able to break the shell of pitty and despair and be myself and was at ease about it. And in my head, as well, I didn't want her to leave until we do. We were all a family, disgruntled, and sometimes hateful, but in the end we were all a family. But Life goes on, and so we march. I hope to keep in touch with her. I would say I hope to see her again, but in the military nothing is for certain, and it would be hard to hope for something like that. Keeping in touch is good enough for me. Its all anyone can ask for.

So yeah, the drive home was pretty uneventful. Garman and I didn't talk much. We talked a little bit about families, and about how he and his wife were tryin to plan about the future, and how they were thinkin on having another child or adopting. I personnally don't see why they would, they got three good kids, and wouldn't you want peace for a little while when you get older, but I have a feeling they just aren't ready to let go of the parenting and raising yet. Which I know is hard for some parents, the good ones, to do. And that got me thinking of when I would, if I would, get to feel such things. I know i'm only 24, or soon to be, and I should be spending my twenties having fun and partyin but really in essense I could care less. I've been growing up and having to do more adult things for a decade or so now because of problems at home, and I really have done enough partyin and playin and enjoyin the loneliness that life can bring to those that just spend it frivolessly. I want stability really....I wouldn't mind being a parent. Yeah it'll be a challenge, because I still got a little bit more maturing to do, but really you never know how you handle situations until you are thrusted into it. Which is why I always get pissed off when people ask me what I would do, or what do I have planned about such an occasion. I tell everyone I don't know till I'm there. And I won't know, but I have a feeling that I would excel...and I want to. I want to be the loving husband my father, I want to be the caring father that I didn't recieve. I want to take care of that family to come home to and do things with. We don't all live for ever, and I have abused my body to alot of limits and still do gladly and will do in June when I go home, and will do even more so come whenever I make it back to the states for good. But while here, I want to be something I never had, I want to have something that many people take for granted and throw away. I want to show and prove that I can be all those things and handle it, and be the best.

Yeah. I am in a slump again. I am teary eyed, I am beaten. I want the pain to go away. Why do I hurt so much about something that was so easily given up by someone else. Hell she said she would never forget me, and would keep in touch but its been like two weeks since I even got an email. I usually send her one like every other day or so, and it takes me like callin her, if I get the balls, to get a reply on an email...Why do I care so much still. Why do I still feel the need to try to prove something to her, to fight for something I thought we had....I still cry myself to sleep on some nights. I can't look at her pictures anymore...I wear my ring around my necklace because it got to a point to where if I felt it on my hand I would cry. And yet I still want it...I still want her. Why? Why can't I get passed this and get over it? Why do I still love her after everything she has put me through? Why do I still believe I would gladly take her back if she asked me too? I just want that one thing...that special someone...and to not feel this way when it comes to them...but I am killing myself over this person...and I am alone. Like alot of us up here. I am alone. Alone and sober...two things I have a hard time dealing with, and no cure in sight.

Frank The Tank

2006-03-09T02:35:00.000-09:00

Well it is thursday, and that means I am finally at the end of my long week. Tomorrow I get off, which is a blessing in and of itself...somewhat. The Buehring crew are loosing apart of our disgruntled family. CPL Zimmerman, who hasn't been mentioned here on the tree but who is good people, will be leaving the camp, then Kuwait, and eventually the military. All on good terms I assure you, nothing at all wrong, just the fact that she is as we say to her, abandoning us. I will miss her. She was a good distraction from the turmoils back home, and a steady person to talk to when Garman wasn't around. There was nothing more than good honest friendship between us, and thats all that I wanted. Just someone to joke with, and be able to talk to, which we didn't do as often as I'd liked, because I was more at ease when joking (as everyone who know's me can attest...or at least everyone who knows me well enough.). It will suck to loose a member of our family. We had all been together for the past three months (god I can't believe its been that long all ready), and through all the turmoil and anger we give each other, we finally loose our first member, and an integral one at that. I wish all the happiness for her and her family, and will always think kindly on her.

Now I hear that Specy is finally in San Antonio, and that that little no drivin, dickless wonder had tire problems. Well what a fuckin VD infested jewish abortion. God damn can't he do anything right, I'm surprised he was able to pop the question! HEY SPECY! QUIT BEIN THE DOUCHEBAG OF LIFE!!!

Just kiddin, just felt like typin shit because I never had the chance to call him while he was out on the road, and I know he's gonna give me hell when I do call him tonight. So this will be a type of payback when the actionfigure dick can actually get on the internet. I'm glad he made it safe, I am...curious on why he went all the way to New Orleans (from the sounds of it) but I guess everyone has to go a different way through life. But at least he made it, and didn't get raped by some wandering Katrina survivor looking for a piece of man meat to freshen their day. Cause Spec's a bitch like that and seems like the type to just up and offer his ass to any man....fuckin fag.

So yeah, Queeny I hope you are copin well. It'll suck for some time, but i'm sure you guys will be better at it than some people I know. At least you got some good peeps there to distract ya, and keep you company. But yer always welcome to email me or what not. I won't be too vulgar in case Specy hacks into your emails. I'll just send some good details on....................

Kiddin spec.....

Fag.

Anyways Peace out bitches. Type more later....maybe....no promises. Gonna go smoke my hooka, play some 360, maybe touch myself a bit...who knows...who cares....I got tomorrow off and I'll do whatever. But yeah, gotta go. Maybe I'll type up my little sex chat with Specy later. I'm sure he'll want to have phone sex or somethin with someone, so I'll try to beat RC to the punch....or maybe we can do a threeway????? The possibilities are endless

Frank the Tank

2006-03-04T19:25:00.000-09:00

So last night was our brigade dining in, as well as our recieval of our combat badge. It was a decent dining in...at least as good as it could be. I mean, pretty much all these events are is everyone forced to go to make fools of themselves in an attempt to entertain the bigwigs, and make them believe moral is actually higher than what it is. And that was pretty much the jist of it last night, but for me it was still good to see some of the people I haven't seen since leaving Ft. Lewis.
Our Chief and I had a skit to do as Hanz and Franz from SNL...the two fuckers that worshipped Schwartzenegger (i think thats how its spelt), but yeah by far we were the best skit of the night. We wore alot of clothing to make us look all buff and bulky and since Maryland I had grown and adapted my Arnold voice to almost perfection, and the chief was pretty good at it too. Everyone had loved us, and pretty much all the skits before us, and definitly the two that went on after us sucked major fuckin donkey dick. I didn't get any pictures personnaly as my camera had died, but I do know some people that took pictures and will try to get what I can to post up on here so you can see some of the event...but no promises.
It was good to recieve a combat badge. It makes me actually feel like I am doing something, that I am worth something...somewhat a meaningful existense. Unlike my other commands, nothing meant against Specy, but it seemed everyone above he and I were all about backstabbing and subliminally making people feel useless, incompetent and like shit. This is my first command, go figure my first real full Army command, that I actually feel like I am doing something with my life. It only took me five years and alot of trauma to get to this point. But truly in essense it has alot to do with Specy, as he had stuck his neck out for me on more occasions then I deserved in Maryland. As I was getting in trouble on an almost a daily basis, and taking out my personanel problems on those at work. I should have gotten much more negativity back, and probably should be out of the military now, but if he didn't do alot of the things behind the curtains that he did, I wouldn't be here, growing and maturing, and hopefully becoming a better soldier. For that Specy, I love ya man, and I thank you. Maybe one day I'll get to serve under ya (maybe literally) and make up for Maryland...(hints at pulling strings to bring me down to Texas....whistles). Anyways I gotta head to work, peace out bitches. I love ya Specy, RC I miss ya man you lanky sumbitch. Watch that horse dick when you turn, don't need to clothesline someone with it. MRLF??? Hope I get to hang with ya and know ya better when I get back. And our favorite little Fanatic Cock Dancer....what can I say about this one...Dance girl Dance. But be more vocal about it when I call. I don't believe the emotion bein presented.

Peace and Chicken Grease
~Frank The Motha Fuckin Tank

2006-03-02T14:47:00.000-09:00

Don't really know where i'm goin with this post. Just been sittin around lately, and we all know what happens when you have too much time to do nothin....you think. And I have been, a little on current events, a little on where I'm at now, a little on where I could go from here...random thoughts, questions, wonders.
I don't really know. I'm slowly but surely picking myself up, putting myself back together, I hate being weak, vulnerable, and in pain. I am usually good about putting on that face, that mask, a disguise if you would, to show everyone something else they want to see. Because everyone likes a happy me rather than the down and out me...hell that goes for everyone. Why would you want to constantly be around someone who is always crying and worrying...(thinks a bit on that comment). Everyone has their reasons, and depending on circumstances everyone makes do with those events at some point in their life because of who that other is that we are trying to be there for. But in the end, for me solely, I hate being that way. I am not a cry baby. I am not a sniveling little brat that is always trying to make things better with their tears. I want to believe that if it can be fixed then it'll happen no matter what frame of mind I am in.
So I pick myself up and begin my trudging on.

Did I take things for granted. I believe so. There were things I could've done better...but in the end I didn't, and as well I wouldn't fix any of them, because changing anything could drastically change another. I am at this point in my life because of all the decisions I made, and with that thought I am happy with myself. I have grown much since graduation from highschool, moving out of my ma's house, from doing all the drugs and other acts that our young generation did and still do. I wouldn't be me if I changed anything. And with that I feel that that is one of the main problems with people now a days. Everyone is always looking back, and wondering if they had changed a certain event, or thing, what would life be like. We are always looking back, so when that something good comes along we don't see it until it passes us by. Why do we do this in essense? I wish I knew...I have found myself recently up to this. Looking at past encounters and events wondering where I would be and who I would be if I did something a little differently. And yes the thoughts are appealing, but in the end we would all end up missing the importance of the now and the what is too come. Isn't that what is supposed to be the appealing thought, the draw of life? The future. We all know where we've come from, but are we that afraid of where we are going that we blind ourselves with our past to try to hide our futures. I surely don't want to do this, but again I have had a hard time fighting the thoughts. So many questions that I probably don't need to know the answers too...or maybe if such events and things were supposed to be, then they would find themselves to me again. The future is such a complex entity of itself that it inspires, excites and scares me all at the same time. There are things I plan on picking up and doing once I get back to the states now. I am getting myself physically fit again, at the same time of getting myself mentally and emotionally fit. I'm trying to not look back as much as possible. I still will, and I'll end up writing jumbled blogs as I'm sure this has turned out to be, but hopefully when i do those images will push me that much harder into the unknown of what life is supposed to be. A series of random events that in the end define us all.

Fort Minor - Right Now Lyrics
Someone right now is leaving their apartment
Looking down at the street, wondering where there car went
Someone in the car sitting at a signal
In front of a restaraunt, staring through the window
at someone right now with their finger in their teeth
Who could use a little floss right across the street
there's somebody on the curb who really needs a jacket
spent half the rent at a bar getting plastered
Now he gotta walk fourteen blocks
to work at a shop where he's about to get fired.
Someone right now is looking pretty tired
Staring at a laptop trying to get inspired
Somebody living right across the street
She wrote the best things she's written all week
but her best friends coughing up blood in the sink
Can't even think what happened, feeling so confused
And he knows it looks bad but there's nothing he can do
I wonder what it's like to be right there in his shoes
[Chorus]
But no I'm just taking it in
Out the window of a hotel bedroom again
Tommorrow I'll be gone I don't know when I'll be back
But in this world everything can change just like that,
Like that
Yo somebody right now is dropping his vote inside a box
And trying not to get shot in his throat
For the act of freedom right now somebody is stuck in Iraq
Hoping that he gets shipped back breathing
in a war that he's not really sure of the reasons
So we show our support when the press mislead them
Though we more then remain proud and salute the troops
get some I know you boys got some work to do
Meanwhile right now someones 25 to life
And is standing on the corner with their thumb up hitchiking
Stratching off a lotto ticket hoping for a real winner
Sneaking through the border just to work and to eat a real
dinner
Right now someone wishes they were you were not
instead of second guessing freedom thoughts of quiet suicide
But right now I'm staring at the window at a frame
with holes in his arm and holes in his jeans
he pulled out his ciggerette sparked the light
And walked right around the corner just outta my sight
But yo I'm just taking it in
From the second story hotel window again,
The TV's on, and my bags are packed,
But in this world everything can change just like that,
Like that
[Repeat]
Ya right now somebody sitting in the darkness
Trying to figure out how to put some heat in their apartment
But they got a little matress and a little carpet
And they appreciate it 'cause some people on a park bench
You see them when you rushing to get to the office
wife robbed blind when she coming from the market
Right now somebody coming out from the pocket
Trying to dump that rock they run around the block with at
The same time the cops is raising the block with aim
To fill your legs and back with some hot shit
Right now somebody struggling to stop this man
Who's kick and punching and cussing at the doctors
Down the hall the child taking his first breath
The doctors ain't even passed him to the nurse yet yo
I wonder if he understands what it's worth yet
Like the time spent while we here on the earth yet
The answer to the question that we all seek
can be found depend on how free y'all think
Right now it's somebody who ain't eat all week
That would kill for the shit that you throw away in the street
I guess ones mans trash is the next mans treaure
One mans pain is the next mans pleasure
one say infinity the next say forever
right now erbody got to get it together man
I'm just taking it in another strange hotel lobby again
Put my luggage on my back I don't know where I'm at
I'm in world where we all change just like that,
Like that, like that, just like that, like that, just like that
Just like that, Just like that
[Repeat]

2006-02-24T18:41:00.000-09:00

Well I did this test to see how much I could be worth, because goddamnit i'm that awesome, and I am looking to sell myself and various services. So I came across this site...www.humanforsale.com, and it helped me out with my worth. So please take your time, and I welcome all bidders. I'll even drop the price for the right person.

Gender:
Male
$200,000
Age:
24
$30,000
Ethnicity:
White/Caucasian
$130,000
Height:
5'11
$5,000
Weight:
202 lbs.
$0
Body Type:
Average
$0
Hair Color:
Blonde
$10,000
Eye Color:
Blue
$1,000
Handed:
Right
$5,000
Body Hair:
Somewhat Hairy
$1,000
Shoe Size:
13
$0
Bald:
No
$10,000
20/20 Eyesight:
No
$0
Penis Size:
8 inches
$15,000
Cavities:
1-2
$1,000
Athletic Ability:
Average
$35,000
Attractiveness:
NA
$60,000
IQ:
110
$32,505
SAT Score:
NA
$0
HS GPA:
3.2
$30,400
Education:
High School
$1,000
Bilingual:
No
$0
Income:
NA
($5,000)
Profession:
Government
$0
Alcohol:
Often
$0
Smoker:
Yes
($50,000)
Pot:
No
$10,000
Drugs:
No
$10,000
Exercise:
Often
$15,000
Divorced:
No
$0
Comitted Felony:
No
$15,000
Watch Television:
Often
$2,500
Sexuality:
NA
$25,000
Style:
Average
$30,000
Artistic:
Average
$30,000
Sense of Humor:
Above Average
$45,000
Addictive Personality:
Yes
($15,000)
Give to Charity:
No
$0
Adult Content:
Often
$0
Gamble:
Never
$0
Multiplier
x2
Total:
$1,308,810

2006-02-23T18:08:00.000-09:00

Specy sent me a really soft monkey...
And Some Candies and treats to stuff my fat ass
This is how man should treat a....hold on.....
.......................................................................
.......................................................................
......................uh...............................................
.......................................mmmmmmmmm.......................
.......................................................................
ooooohhhh..............................................................
.......................................................................

WHAAMIE!!!!!!!

Sorry had to examine a DVD I found in the box. I'd put a picture of that up, but the tree isn't a pay site, so there for any type of those pics I place, no one shall make money off of. Which defeats the purpose of an adult site. I forgot where I was....anyways I need a cigarette now. That was good stuff.......hmmmm.....yessss...........Specy's gettin some sexin. Now I just need to steal RC away from his MRLF???? to complete the trifecta of debauchery that we had going on...we made some sweet music together....hmmmm...yessss....

One special moment in evolution:

Peace and Chicken Grease

~Frank The Tank

2006-02-18T09:59:00.000-09:00

Even Ron Burgundy Rules the Middle East!!!

2006-02-16T10:01:00.000-09:00

Well I just got off the phone with Specy, and I must say the man has a way with words. His soft, yet masculine voice, with his heart warming and longing words left me swooned as one would say. His erotic talks about his bow legged retarded dribble lipped dog, how he would fire people for me because of their lazy eye and other qualities, his talks of phalices and other accuterments that could be with my package (take that how you want it) that should be arriving within a few. Oh yes, I was turned on. I touched myself in ways that no one could ever get me to do but good ole Specy. I spurted, and spurted onto all within my range...my table...my computer...the phone...the walls...filing cabinets...trashcans...the baby birds in the ceiling tile above me...the back of my coworkers head as he gazed on in amazement at the finese of my touch upon my shaft that was brought on by the hunky man meat talkin into my ear. Oh yes, it was lovely, and so so needed. So for that Specy thank you. I shall remember our talk tonight as I tuck myself in, thinking of you and your words...I have a picture of you now. Laying upon my pillow, next to my head, so you can whisper sweet nothings into my ear as I drift into a dreamful sleep of you and what june can bring us. I touch myself again, and again.

So here's to you Specy.

And to the rest of the world

2006-02-14T05:25:00.000-09:00

Its been a few so I figured, "What the hell? Post somethin...anything. Get my annoyin thoughts out there."

Well as of today, it is exactly two months down from my deployment. Many, many more to go, and here I sit thinking...do I really want to go back? Yeah alot of people will say that when it gets down to it I will want to go back to the states...but I gotta think you know...gotta wonder. I really have nothin to be goin back to to feel at all inspired to return to an empty home that I would just as gladly leave again to go...anywhere. Hell the only thing I really look forward too is tryin to get some Wrestlemania tickets for 2007...but really, is that even worth it. (and my friends thats alot comin from me). Im lookin forward to comin back on R & R though. I get to see a few of my good friends. People I definitly miss and wish I had more time with towards the end. RC...his MRLF????...Specy...then there's some of my friends from the past that have been there with me through many other things in my past. NW, DB, Goose, RMiester, BAD. There of course there's my (supposedly reformed) brother who's head is always soundin like its always out in space. Which I hope to introduce Specy to some of these..kinda bring my worlds together if I can...as he's been an integral part of my present.
But as I was gettin at before, its really not the R & R that i'm not lookin forward to. Its the end of my deployment. The actual end of what will probably be the most defining year in my life. As my life has been smashed and all the pieces thrown into the air. And I stand there staring, thinking hard on what I should reach for to save before it comes to a shattering demise back to the ground. Thats what I believe I am now scared of. The unknown...starting over if it does actually come to it (which it seems that way more and more every day). For almost five years now I have had someone there. Through the bad, through the good, through the great, through the miserable...memories made, laughs shared, but someone was always there. Now...I am again by myself. It seems like forever since I've been in this position, even worse all my friends have that someone that seems like is their one...their for better or worse (at least I hope so, everyone seems real happy with one another), and now I'm the one who sits on the outside, smilin with my whisky and coke, back out in the fuckin warzone. (Oh how I love thee)
Whats funny is I told Angel last year...around October I believe, that I needed an answer on what was going on. I needed to know what was going to happen, what I had to expect when I left and what to expect on my return....and then I was fooled. Funny that. The one and only time I tell her she needs to make a decision and stick with it...she didn't really make the decision. or...I don't know whatever.
One step at a time right? Day by day? Make every moment count, cause it could all come crashing down? Oh how I love life. Every saying is so melodramatic, and yet they are all true. I used to be one to live life day by day, make every moment count...but then I gave into the long term. Planning, hoping, wishing, working towards an eventual end. Oh what a fuckin tard I have been made out to be.
Yeah. So these are my thoughts this day. Happy to be four months away from seein some of my peeps, but miserable at the thought of what I have to deal with after that. Bitin the bullet sounds so good at times.

Limp Bizkit ~ Behind Blue Eyes

no one knows what its like
to be the bad man
to be the sad man
behind blue eyes
and no one knows
what it's like to be hated
to be faded to telling only lies

but my dreams they aren't as empty
as my conscious seems to be
i have hours, only lonely
my love is vengeance
that's never free

no one knows what its like
to feel these feelings
like i do, and i blame you!
no one bites back as hard
on their anger
none of my pain woe
can show through

but my dreams theyr aren't as empty
as my conscious seems to be
i have hours, only lonely
my love is vengeance
that's never free

discover l.i.m.p. say it (x4)

no one knows what its like to be mistreated, to be defeated
behind blue eyes
no one knows how to say
that they're sorry and don't worry
i'm not telling lies

but my dreams they aren't as empty
as my conscious seems to be
i have hours, only lonely
my love is vengeance
that's never free

no one knows what its like
to be the bad man
to be the sad man
behind blue eyes.

2006-02-12T10:36:00.000-09:00

Here's some pics for ya bastards!

Some Flooded Housing We Flew Over

Me and A Couple of my Boys

Our Shadow from On High
Camels with a lil baby one
Some ugly fuckin sheep bein herded

2006-02-09T19:14:00.000-09:00

Well it seems I was givin homework the other day, on somethin like the 8 attributes for your perfect partner...heh. Well isn't this the greatest time in the world to be doing this one. One would think that I would have a nice long list, but honestly its something that I'm gonna have to sit on, so this probably won't get posted for a few days, so now in my head this seems to be kinda retarded to be writing this first part....yeah....big bowl of tard soup. But anyways onto our scheduled programming.

1. Truth/Honesty This has got to be the most important one. I can't stand being lied to. If its one of those little white lie deals than it probably wouldn't bother me, but goddamnit if its something major open your mouth and spill it. All the person does is create more shit by hiding it and somehow expect me to fix or forgive something I don't know about and probably won't know for quite sometime.

2. Caring Yeah yeah i know everyone is gonna say "I care. I really do." Well i'm not just sayin to actually say you do and say I love you every now and then. You know those little things you women like to bitch about every now and then. Why don't y'all try doin some of it yourself?

3. Funny Someone that can make me laugh, even during the bad times. Someone who isn't like my humor, but as well can dish it out like it. I'm pretty sarcastic at times, but I can do kiddie humor with the best of em (if i'm really good and comfortable with the person). Make me laugh fuckers!

4. Knows what they want thats pretty self explanitory there. But I want someone who knows what they want in life, not to fuckin second guess themselves throughout the entire thing, and go running to the hills into another boyfriends arms after you say I do and don't even tell me about it....(yeah example made)

5. Understanding I would like someone that understands me, sometimes better than myself. Just know that there are things I like to do, and let me enjoy them. I try to be understanding as well, but i'm highly jealous at that. (Something I'm tryin to work on).

6. Jealousy You see, out of my major relationships I have been at both ends of the spectrums. I have been with the woman so jealous that I wasn't allowed to do much. Then I have been with the other woman who wasn't jealous at all that would probably let me get away with what she was hiding and liein about...(damnit I did it again) But yeah. I want someone who is a little jealous when it comes to other women, but who will give me that trust and understanding to know that nothing is going to happen, or be strong enough with us to voice her jealousy and fuck let me know what your are thinkin.

7. Patient Now i'm speakin more or less with me, because everyone knows that I am far from patient with the rest of the world, but when it comes to my other I am very patient and tolerable. Just someone to know that when it does look like I made a rash decision be patient because I do think of that person when I make my decisions and to know that I just have a different way of goin about things.

8. Communication Something else I lacked on, but have been greatly improving. Just talk to me. Let me know whats on your mind. Not to tell me your head is fuzzy, and let me stumble onto something in like a journal or a blog. Talk to me, brutal if it has to be. I can take it. I try to communicate with my parter as well, and wasn't always perfect, but I have worked on it.

Well here's my list...yeah. Probably alot of it is just repeated but goddamnit I finished my homework. Hopefully I'll get a D...its still passing. Yeah. Anyways I gotta get ready for work. Post again laterz.

Peace and Chicken Grease
~Frank the Tank

2006-02-08T05:54:00.000-09:00

Look at my pretty earplugs.

OOOOOOOH. Jealousy is at its peak.

Exerpt From The Channel by Limp Bizkit

Who gives a fuck about what I like

who gives a fuck about who listens

as long as I'm here

as long as you know you can keep me here

for whenever you get lost

or you need an excuse to coverup your intentions

you hate that I express how I'm feeling

you hate that you relate to this shit

you hate that I'm a tick

a motherfucking tick

you're finding hard to forget!

2006-02-06T22:37:00.000-09:00

Well today started off pretty awesome. I was informed the other day that I would be heading south for a few, and would in turn get the chance to ride on one of the lovely birds you see here on this post. All I got to say is it was damn awesome. Hell of a lot better than a plane, and shit loads more fun than a humvee. It was quite an experience and I got some pictures that i'll be tryin to post here in a few days. Till then I will enjoy more of the desert and hope everything works out to where we get to fly back on another helocopter. That would be flippin sweet as one would say.

~Frank The Tank

2006-02-06T04:09:00.000-09:00

Well its been three or four days since I gotten upset last, so I guess I was do. I mean i'm not at the i'm gonna kill myself woe is me stage, but am upset none the less. Yeah it went down badly, and there was alot of shit that shouldn't have been done to take most of the blame off of my shoulders, but the fact that it still went the way it did is still upsetting and saddening. I may have vented to alot of people at times about my anger and "God she's annoying me" crap but I always ended up talking good about her and us. I never wanted to give the impression that the Kelley household was falling down, because I didn't want it too. I was incredibly happy with her, even though at the time we had a few minor problems. Thats what relationships are right. Happiness built upon the minor frustrations and problems of every day life, but together the two work as one to fix them, and help each other when one falls. No one is perfect, and yet the human race as a whole strives for it. No one is ever happy unless they fit into a certain image or mold. No one is happy with the basics. We always strive for the above and beyond, which isn't a bad thing, I do it as well, but I don't only strive for that. Its pointless because you can't always go above and beyond. You can't make anything perfect. Life isn't built for perfection.

I love her. I will always love her. But i'm in a flux of tryiing to understand. Things spun out of control really fast and violently, and now i'm in a time of reflection one would say. I had come across some pictures of her that I thought I had hidden away better, and I saw our smiles and how close we were...and yet I wonder. Was it real? Were we really that happy then? If we were, and we would somehow be able to sit down hash it out, get everything out, and I mean really get everything out (without all the hidden crap) maybe concider and possibly do some counsiling and therapy would we be able to get that way again? Would she be able to stop running long enough to see that running from problems will put you head first into another slew of problems that could end up being much worse than what you ran from? Yeah I cried again, and everyone is getting tired of seeing and reading about my woes and self torture over something everyone says I need to get away from and forget about, but it is much harder to do. Some people know this, and I was one of those on the other side who kept sayin you need to run. Quit putting yourself through this bullshit. Forget her she's worthless and you are much better. If it was me in your situation I wouldn't hesitate to get out and away from her crap. Why kill yourself over it? Well didn't I learn the hard way that its easier said then done, and we all gotta go through these types of things in our own ways. And this is mine. The ever wondering, ever questioning, and still always holding on because as much shit as I talk and whatever I say in the future I will always want another chance, and would gladly take it. Don't ask why I still feel this, and why I would be willing to go through something that could just as easily blow up again, because I don't know. Glutton for punishment? Possibly. But...but...

Nickleback ~ Photograph

Look at this photograph Everytime I do it makes me laugh How did our eyes get so red And what the hell is on Joey's head And this is where I grew up I think the present owner fixed it up I never knew we'd ever went without The second floor is hard for sneaking out And this is where I went to school Most of the time had better things to do Criminal record says I broke in twice I must have done it half a dozen times I wonder if It's too late Should i go back and try to graduate Life's better now then it was back then If I was them I wouldn't let me in Oh oh oh Oh god I Every memory of looking out the back door I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor It's hard to say it, time to say it Goodbye, goodbye Every memory of walking out the front door I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for It's hard to say it, time to say it Goodbye, goodbye Remember the old arcade Blew every dollar that we ever made The cops hated us hangin' out They say somebody went and burned it down We used to listen to the radio And sing along with every song we know We said someday we'd find out how it feels To sing to more than just the steering wheel Kim's the first girl I kissed I was so nervous that I nearly missed She's had a couple of kids since then I haven't seen her since god knows when Oh oh oh Oh god I Every memory of looking out the back door I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor It's hard to say it, time to say it Goodbye, goodbye Every memory of walking out the front door I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for It's hard to say it, time to say it Goodbye, goodbye I miss that town I miss the faces You can't erase You can't replace it I miss it now I can't believe it So hard to stay Too hard to leave it If I could I relive those days I know the one thing that would never change Every memory of looking out the back door I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor It's hard to say it, time to say it Goodbye, goodbye Every memory of walking out the front door I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for It's hard to say it, time to say it Goodbye, goodbye Look at this photograph Everytime I do it makes me laugh Everytime I do it makes me

2006-02-05T03:43:00.000-09:00

As some can see I have revamped the tree somewhat. A different feel for another start in life. As I am trying to trudge forward down this path I have found myself upon. I am not over what has happened, not by a longshot, but I am tryiing to move forward. I would still want to fix things, but at the moment it is out of my hands...and maybe it is better that way at the moment. So here I sit, at the tree thinking about life and where to go next. I am looking forward to going home for two weeks come June and seein my boy Spec and hopefully RC and his MRLF?. It'll be good to be around friends again, and to be back in the states for awhile. I miss everyone and definitly...definitly (MUCH EMPHASIS ON THE DEFINITELY) miss drinking. Holy shit do I miss my whiskey. Such a good depressent for depressing times. Cigaretts are just about to not cut it anymore, and I still got like.........four months left. Damn this is gonna be long. But i'll strive on. I just did a diagnostic PT test today, and i did fairly well. I passed by the same scores I had when I left Maryland, which granted wasn't too bad, but they were definitly better than the one I took in Washington. That and I passed my tape test and had lost 16 pounds since December. 16 MOTHA FUCKIN POUNDS! Thats awesome shit right there. Now i'm just 11 pounds overweight by the Army standards. Which is good because that is alot less weight on my knees, which my right one is bad, and my lower back, which has been giving me problems since basic training five years ago. So all is good in that department. I'm studyin for the boards now and my NCO is hopin to have me at the April promotion board. So (crossing fingers) i'll get this shit down and finally make the rank that I now feel I'm ready for. So yeah. I gotta get goin. Just wanted to leave a little post but turned out to be a little larger than expected. But stay tuned. I'm gonna try to update the tree a bit more, and hopefully get some pictures in here so y'all can see the sights of the desert with no fucking sights and nothing to fuckin do. Anyways.

Peace and Chicken Grease
Frank the Tank

2006-02-02T20:48:00.000-09:00

As some will notice that I took the link to my wifes blog down. You may ask why, and I'll just say that I did it because there was alot of bashing and angery blows being thrown over there, and she may be deserving of alot, but if there's bashing to be done, I would like it to be done here. The rusted tree is a good beating post for all gripes and complaints. But yeah.

I was on the phone last night. Talking to a friend that I don't get a chance to talk to that much anymore, and definitly won't be able to for a few years, unless by letter. We were talking and they didn't know much on what was going on except for the normal gripes and complaints of any relationship. They said that the last time they talked to Angel, Angel was a bit off and...self involved was the phrase I believe is what they used. And that had them wondering because they had never known Angel to be like that but couldn't really get much out of her, except that she was talking to Cornfuck and had visited him. But that was all they could get. So I ended up giving them the rest of the info from the past year on all the crap that has happened and what has been done and hidden...Flabbergasted was an understatement to say the least of what they felt. Greatly hurt and upset over the situation is another. They said they didn't have much advice other than to get out and get away because they said I deserved much better than the repetitive treatment I have recieved over the course of this relationship...which now...

I had gotten an email from Angel, I believe she sent it last night her time, but she was really pissed about the comments being thrown around and being made on her page, and she was pretty much venting on me. She didn't beat me down, and call me names, but the anger was directed towards me. She said she doesn't feel like she has to defend herself against anyone that has access to the internet, and that this is getting out of hand, the whole world doesn't need to be involved. Which that was my thoughts exactly...last year. When she was making phone call after phone call giving people her side of what was going on and getting them rallying against me because I was the bad seed to the relationship that was seemingly going so well. I told her I don't like the idea of going to people because no matter what this is between me and her and if they need to know then they'll know when its done and over...Well she didn't listen because phone calls were still being made, emails sent, visits being constructed and acted upon. So now since I really started voicing my opinion and complaints, my thoughts and giving what has really been going on in this relationship, all the hidden details that were hidden from me as much as everyone else, now its getting out of hand...now its at a point to where she doesn't want anyone else involved. I didn't start this...Spec can vouche for that...RC can agree. I told them numerous times that I hated it that she was going out and talking to everyone, and getting them against me. That this needed to be handled at our level, because we are the ones in the thick of it. But now when I have brought a side that has been very craftly hidden from the rest of the world, now its at a point where we need to back off. I've tried. I have been handling this at the barest level for most of our four years together. I went to therapy which was the only person I truly went to. Spec I had hidden lots of shit from because, the less he knew the less he was truly involved. Which didn't work out because she was always walking over and sitting in his apartment when he was home...avoiding me at all costs.

Its at a point now where I will give her the divorce...the end of it. Because she is showing that that is what she truly wants. She has found something bad about the thought of being married to me, and wants nothing more than to run away from it...to something I think she doesn't even know she's truly running to. But its away from me and the marriage. But I think I deserve the whole and full truth. From everything I've bitten my tongue on to hide from everyone else, from the amount of actual repeated chances I've given, from the infinite amount of times I have gladly taken her back every time she's run from me, to only see that it was a wrong choice...I think I deserve that. I know I deserve that. I have put myself through more in this relationship than anyone else that'll ever replace me. I've let her beat me into acts of nearly killing myself, and have always gladly taking her back. I've accepted the lies, and when found out about them accepted the fact that we had to move on because we were good before the lie was actually found out and thrown back at her. I've accepted the amount of abuse she's readily thrown my way. I accepted the rollercoasted emotional wreck the love of my life gladly gave me, because no matter how good I was, I wasn't the men she was used to and she couldn't accept or get used to that idea. I've accepted alot, and have taken alot of shit. I see that now. After the amount of others I have talked to, the rereading of my posts and her posts. Reading of old letters she has sent me, and analyzing them. I see what I have willingly went through and she doesn't yet realize. She said she knows what she's done and that I should move on and find something better. Which i don't know. I know she doesn't truly see what she has done. She, i'm sure, thinks that this is still more or less mostly my fault. That she tried her damnedest and I wasn't willing. She had no choice but to do this...for us. She'll never truly see what I gladly took to make this work, to make her happy. She'll never see the wreck I have become, nor will she care i think. I love her. Unconditionally. Willingly and wholefully. I became the doormat, the whipping post gladly because she was there and I believed that she wouldn't leave me...Maybe I was too soft. Maybe I should have been more forceful and pushy. But that wasn't me. I wanted to be the kind loving husband that took care of his family. Because at this time in my life if I get too forceful and pushy I am too much afraid of ending up like my father. So yes I crack jokes, i pick on people because thats my type of humor, but if you want to do something...then i'm like okay go do it. If it makes you happy do it.

My pain is loving someone too much and blindly giving in and willingly helping to hide what was truly going on to the point we both believed it wasn't really happening. I see my fault. When she wanted answers and talk I should have laid this all out on the table last June...But we live and we learn. Now she will go to this other guy...telling me and herself that what she is doing is not what everyone else I have talked to believes she is doing. She will go. She will get really comfortable and really into it. Next thing she knows they are doing things that her and I did. Then...she'll fall. He'll dump her again, and leave her to rot. And she'll look around...but for the first time in four years...Michael Kelley won't be there to pick up the pieces, won't be there to help her sort out her problems to have her run back to them...I'm not a save point like video games...if this doesn't work, reset go back and try something else. I have been that. But I am going to step back. I am going to watch. She asked me not to do an Adam to her...which is go out and rebound fuck...I told her I wouldn't, but I had to bite my tongue because isn't that what she has done to me...Or was I the rebound fuck for those other guys...thoughts and questions that won't be answered because she has never had the strength to give me the full answers. I am backing away. I am giving into what I see has been happening around me. I will keep my promise. No rebound fucks? Okay. Its not hard for me because she has been the only person I have and only person I wanted to sleep with. Two and a half years seperated out of four and I never went further than a kiss. I think I can manage ten and a half months and maybe longer because I have much drinking to catch up on. I had her make no promises, because in the end, I have learned that on her end...all promises are meant to be broken, and a sworn oath is just another way to make a promise.

Angel. For all its worth. I hope you remember me and remember how much love I have for you. Know that my love was the purist of what you will find, and that I tried as hard if not harder than anyone you know and will ever find. I have hurt many people in my past thats why I have stuck through this as much as I have...get past the karmic payback and all will be good. Remember my love. Remember the times I gave too you. Remember me while you live in the apartment I left you...watch the tv I left, sit on my couches, sit at the computer I got you. Remember me when you see anything on wrestling, you accidently come across one of my shirts and comics. Remember me when you see anything on Cirque De Soliel. Remember me when you sit in the parking lot of a target, look in your liquer cabinet. Remember me when you look down at your ring...or your empty finger...When you look in your drawer with our sexual toys and novelty items I had purchased for you and us. Remember me when you play halo, or suikoden or final fantasy. Remember me when you lay in your bed...looking up at him, remember our times as one...when we made love, had sex, or fucked each other. Remember the climaxes I gave to you, and brushed it off if I could not complete it on my end. Remeber everything about me to the smallest detail. I will remember you. I cry every quiet moment when I think of us from our first night in the back of your car making out in that target parking lot, to us saying I DO, to your birthday at panama city, and at baltimore for the aquarium and cirque de soliel. I'll always remember how much your family loved me and how much better they said I was for you than your other boyfriends. I'll always remember that your step dad mike always approved of me and treated me the best if not like one of his own because he saw the potential I had for you. I'll remember our embraces and the feeling I would get when we were one. I'll remember how you looked...your smell...your taste...your touch...I'll remember everything about you. No one would ever have a chance of replacing you. I'll be there...not so much visible as I always was those many times before, when the answers you thought you had turned out wrong. But I will always be there. And if I am, and you feel you are mature enough to handle the adult relationship with kiddie play I offered, and can prove, really seriously put forth the effort to prove that it is what you want and willing to fight for, then we will see. Till then I will be by myself...I will nurse my wounds and watch the world, I will watch you. I will think of you, I will cry for you, I will scream for you. I will hurt myself over you and nearly kill myself because of you. I will dream of you, have nightmares of you, and pass out from the thought of you. You will still be my everything, you will still be held in a high regard, and see me as the man that above all else, fought for your happiness when no one else would, and could care less about you. I have over come my demons. I have overcome my past. I have grown to be a man that far surpasses the men that I have feared the most, the ones I hated the most. I am a man that at 23 and almost 24 who wants nothing more than to have a loving wife, a child, his pets, a nice house in a nice neighborhood, and be able to provide for all that. I am not as immature as everyone used to think. I can act it, with the best of them. And I know that I am not perfect, nor strive for it. I thrive of my faults and I try to make do with the good qualities and make those look better. Most of all, if I find something worth it, if I fully believe and put my heart, mind, body, and soul into something, I will go above and beyond what people think is the breaking point. I have proven that. I loved you, I do love you, I will always love you. No amount of hurt will change that. My name is Michael Kelley. I take care of those that I decide can be apart of my circle. I'll nearly kill myself in the name of love and trust. This is me. My heart laid bare. Welcome to my home, welcome to my life. Welcome to my rusted tree...

2006-02-02T07:25:00.000-09:00

I stand there, staring ahead analyzing the paths to take. Both grave and dark, and filled with an unyielding unknown. A possibility of hurt and more life rendering pain...but as well both holding a possibility of somethin worth journeying for...I am confused...I always charged forward down the paths that life laid ahead of me...never looking back, never worrying of what I might end up loosing...now though. I stare ahead. Fighting my pains, my saddness, my tears, my broken bleeding heart. How am I supposed to know the right one...how will I know I choose the right path. I am tired of the hurt, tired of wondering...I want that certainty...that garauntee...I look down at my hands. cupped within them a bloodied ring lies there. Its words...(Le mo ghrasa mise agus liomsa mo ghra) are faded and blurred. What once was the definition of my existence is now becoming something obsolete. (I am my beloveds and My beloveds is Mine) Who is she...and where has she gone...I look back, behind me footsteps. Two sets, it wavered sometime ago, but they came back to each other...then one disappeared. Someone was there. With me. As far as I can look back...but where did they go, and were they this beloved of mine. I look forward again, bloodied tears streak my face. Where am I to go? I was heading somewhere, I felt it. It was somewhere good...but...but where did it go? It got cold and dark and I feel lost...someone was with me...I look back thinking where did they go? I grasp the ring, ice cold and heavy. I stand there facing my choices...how long do I wait here...maybe this beloved is lost...maybe she is trying to find me. Do I wait...I am bloodied...I am broken...I hurt the more I sit...the more I think. Do I wait? She has to be looking for me...

2006-02-01T07:20:00.000-09:00

Well I think I am definitly at the blah of all my emotions today. A week and a half and my body requires rest, and calm before delving back into my emotional crisies that lays before me. I really don't know where to go in this post, I just feel like typing. Not really much has changed for me. I still sit here, hoping for a far hope that she will come back to my waiting arms. That she will forgive me for my past sins, ask me again for forgiveness for hers (which would be forgiven...), and want nothing more than to move on and to quite hurting each other the way we did...She says she needs to rest, take a break and again try to figure things out...it hurts...i don't like it because every day that goes by takes her further from me, and I am gripping as hard as I can to try and hold on. I think she sees this, and is just letting me do what I feel I must do without trying to give my hopes up. I know not if she hopes to one day, maybe give this another try, or if she would even want to do it again. I sure as hell do. I want nothing more than to do it and do it right. I know we could, because we have learned, at great cost, what not to do to each other anymore, and that would be most benificial to us on another go around.
I know I sound very repititious on all these posts. I apologize to the few readers out there. The rusted tree will try to pick up soon. But these are my problems and I need a way to see and analyze it all, as it doesn't work by just sitting and thinking. As some know. So yeah, thanks for sticking with me, and I'll be trying to start posting pics as soon as I get some and learn how to. So here's to hopin I can gain control of the emotional chaos that has befallen upon my life. I pretty much half the people telling me to stay strong hopefully things will work out the way you want, then I got another half tellin me I should run and not look back. We all know the path I am choosing, and I shall venture it in hopes of seeing the light that I look for. If not...well then there will be more posting on the tree of the defacement of love and how my sanity shall never return..so yeah. If ya like to hear that just stay tuned to see if we go that route or hopefully find a way to avoid it. I love her, don't ask why I do or still do after this all, but I do and always will. We had come far together and were very good when problems were being made worse by one of us. Those who saw us happy, know that, but those that did as well know how bad we were. We both hurt each other in different ways, but the hurt was there. But hopefully...hopefully...

Silent Words (acoustic) ~ By Scars of Life
Inside alone
this world's coming down on me again
Nowhere to run to
as these twisted thoughts flow through my head
I never wanted to break away
Can't help that I don't feel the same
And now I'm standing here
asking myself if I'm to blame
These silent words you'll never hear
These frozen thoughts will not appear
And I'm breaking down inside of me
Still no one sees
I stare into myself I'm scared
of what I just might find
A reflection of my past
something I've always tried to hide
Now my life is coming apart
Why must I always be this way?
Now I'm standing here
asking myself if I'm to blame
These silent words you'll never hear
These frozen thoughts will not appear
And I'm breaking down inside of me
Still no one seesI can no longer take this
The pain that lives inside of me
Must find a way to erase this
So I can finally breathe
These silent words you'll never hear
These frozen thoughts will not appear
And I'm breaking down inside of me
Still no one sees

2006-01-30T17:29:00.000-09:00

Umm, so yeah...well as we can all see I was deeply entrenched in a bloodlust mood yesterday and was lashing out very badly...which is a mild way to put it, but at this time of the morning with as little sleep as I have had those are as descriptive words as I can find...maybe i'll just comeback and edit the post if something better can be thought of but doubtful because i am equally as lazy at the moment and my NCO had to literally drag me to the floor to get me out of bed...it was kinda funny if you saw it because i tried falling back asleep on the floor till he kicked sand in my face...but yeah.
I'm not hear to apologize today...that'll probably be like later today or tomorrow once the sorrow and sadness returns...right now i think my system is in rest mode as I am just...here i guess...but yes, I lashed out really hard yesterday and most of that if not all are all thoughts that I got while typing and I just put it down to clear my head, thats pretty much what this blog is for is to clear my thoughts of any and all emotions that get me as jumbled and as sick as i've been. But on this post i'm gonna try to respond to things that Angel put in her post...without lashiing and bein a dick. I'm gonna try to keep this as peaceful as possible because i've had enough of my anger for awhile now. I hate being that way. Its not who I want to be, its just easier for me to be. A major fault. But on to responding as best I can...

Well, Mike's pissed at me...which, technically is an expected response, right?
Yeah I was pissed...actually, I was full of rage and wanted to hurt something and take it out on anyone, and unfortunately do to circumstances she was the victim. So for the amount I went overboard I am sorry.

This was a 4 year relationship with someone that I truly loved...not puppy love, not a crush.
Look, I know she loved me...and hopefully still. But this has been the biggest kick in the chest I have ever felt. I'm hurt beyond belief and am living on a hope that one day something will click and she'll send me an email to call her and tell me that somethings changed and we will work through this, we will find a way because damn it we were worth it and still are...

Yes, I cheated on him, twice. Things got bad and I ran to someone else. I'm not perfect. Then again, neither is he. I told him about my little one-night flings after they happened, it may have taken me a couple months, but it came out. He on the other hand had a whole second relationship on the side that lasted for a month and the only reason why he told me about it was because I was crying on the phone one day and asked that we always be honest from now on. So he fessed up to something he had done 3 YEARS ago. How do you keep a secret like that for 3 years?
This is something i've always been touchy on. You see yes she has told me when she has done things...but the first time it was a guilt trip more or less on why she did tell me...I was on my knees crying in her lap begging for her to forgive me for being a prick on the phone while i was away for a few days then she gave in...I believe if I wasn't in that position she wouldn't have told me...the second time, it aparently happened in July...I didn't get told till October, till it was brought to my attention by other parties. She didn't come to me on her own free will, she came to me after I threw it at her after calling a bunch of other people and getting their stories. She wasn't going to tell me. She was going to pretend to be happy and hope that it went away. Now on my situation. I never said I was perfect. I am far from it...but technically I have never cheated on her. I met this one girl while in maryland and i was still very furious and pissed off about the Jay situation. I wasn't very trusting of Angel still especially since she was drinking alot of Katherine and her friends, and all of Katherines friends want sex...she has a habit of finding those. But i was in a bad frame of mind. The girl I met was a fellow Texan so a kinship bound was there and she was there for a good ear to vent and listen to my woes...I never meant for it to go anywhere but I did kiss her, and that was that. We were both feeling bad about it but we still hung out from time to time at work...which is the only place we did hang out. I never saw her outside of that. But i'm not perfect, i know some will say that if you do onething you might as well do something else, but i'm also saying that if someone tells you that they only sleep with people they care about, and their in a serious relationship and they sleep with two or three other people then how does that make their significant other feel...i kissed someone yes. But i never ever slept with anyone. That takes another type of bond, or jumping into a whole set of other problems I wanted no part of. But for kissing and having and bond with someone that went a little further than it should I am and always will be sorry for that. I had no right to, but in my head at the time I justified it with the fact that she fucked this other guy and tried to lie and hide it...a kiss is nothing compared to that...

And now, he stands ready to accuse me of having an affair with an old friend just because I called the marriage off. Yes, Cormier and I have been talking again, yes, I flew out to Colorado (which I told him about) for a weekend, but hell nothing happened.
This just pretty much stands on my fears of being left for someone else, or the better deal. I've pretty much always been afraid of this with her since day one because I have a bad self esteem problem and always find other men as my opposition. This is something hard for me to let go, because its been so long since i've felt otherwise. This as well rides along with the cheating thing as that has always helped me feel more worthless, but thats a battle for another day i suppose.

God this whole thing is just so frustrating. How can he honestly believe that I never loved him? Because he read a couple journal entries on here written when I was angry? I mean, really, how often do I even post on this damned thing??
I don't believe that. I really and truly don't. You see most of my post yesterday was out of pure anger and hatred over this whole situation. I know she loved me, but after how bad last year turned out, from all the bashing I was recieving and all the comments that were being made about me, it just gets to a point where you lash back. I know she loved me, but look at her journals, yes she doesn't write that much but its been quite a long time since anything nice was written about me if you look at it. Which hurts it does. I thought I was more than just Mr. Wrong, but you could never see that.

This is his battle and I don't need to fight him. It's just painful to hear some of the things he says about me now. Has he always felt that way and just never said anything? I think that's what bothers me most. It's just not knowing if these are old thoughts about webs of lies and deceit that are only just now fully coming to light or is he only speaking out of anger? He thinks I blame him for everything. I don't. I don't know how to make him see that. I have tried to explain to him why my journal entries all point the blame at him, but he doesn't understand. I write only when I'm upset. And, when I'm upset, it's easy to point the finger. I mean, who wants to blame themselves, right? We all do it. Isn't that what he is doing now? Trying to get back at me? He feels wronged and is lashing out. I understand this. It's just hard to hear some of the thoughts that go through his head.
This is my fight yes. I have put myself in this position for a major major fall with alot of hurt. But no i haven't always felt this way. I am, pure and simple lashing out in anger, lots of anger. I have no other media to get rid of all the "Ruthless Aggression" i currently possess inside. Though, I have always worried about being lied to, but I attributed that to just the Jay situation and if I felt that she might've been lieing then it was probably a white lie and it was better off not touching it. On the blame thing, the reason I feel this way is because when this was all coming down in July last year, I was the beating post. Every problem that was noted and complained about and was forcing us to be on the outs were all my problems. She never wanted to hear what hers was, and when I tried to do so and explain things I got in more trouble and yelled at which with me that doesn't do well because I start yelling back as well. But thats why I do and always will take the blame because after so much battering from June, the mega hit in July, then in August, I began to believe it. Now I just find it hard to take that she finally sees that it wasn't all my fault...kinda like how she keeps saying that she doesn't believe me that I saw things from her side...just after being hit so much I believed that it was my fault.

Heh, it's funny that he's even got friends who have volunteered to spy on me. Why is that necessary? What would that accomplish? I have been nothing but honest with him about Cormier. I didn't have to tell him I was in CO, but I did. I didn't have to tell him Cormier might visit the end of Feb., but I did.
The spying thing...heh that just cracks me up cause I didn't ask for that, and I'd rather they didn't. I never wanted them to be involved in all this anyways, thats why I never went to anybody with my story and help and to get their opinions. But they won't, that won't accomplish anything for them or myself. As much as I hate Cornfuck, and all her other past boyfriends, cause they treated her like shit...and now I'm apparently get to grace the halls of disgrace along with them. Yes she didn't have to tell me, but with all the anger that was building up, because I have been pretty much driven by my tears, but after that weekend up in Colorado, and then the possibility of him coming to visit...I thought that that was just a slap in the face. I thought she was trying to get me to hate her because it would be easier on her to leave me behind and never think about me. So thats why I was so angry over the thought of him, besides the fact that I think he's more or less a shark looking for its next meal, even if he is nice. He wasn't always there for her. I was. Four years I was always in the trenches with her, but to me it ended up like I was the bad guy and he comes swooping in and looks like the knight in shining armor...it saddens me...I always thought I was much more...that I meant more...

2006-01-30T00:21:00.000-09:00

Faceless Anger

I want to die...I just want to fucking die...I woke up this morning in a fit of rage...back to the anger again. The one emotion I have always thrived on...well I had written Angel last night and she had replied, and to me...she says differently...pretty much spells out that she has her rebound all ready set in place...I don't know if i've brought him or or if she ever did in her little journal but Cormier...or Cornfuck as we'll call him and other iterations that suits my pissed and total loathing mood towards him. Well that time she had disappeared or was avoiding my calls (which is what she was doing because god forbid you face a fucking scenario you put in place) but he flew her out to visit him in colorado for the weekend, friday afternoon to sunday evening...yeah. didn't see that happen...what better way to make you forget your problems then to create another problem or mistake, because we all know how well your per say relationship with him went the last time...lets see...you fall for him..he plays you...he gets girlfriend...he ignores you and totally blows you off...you go back into depression and hating life....yeah...thats' something i would run back too...but anyways she went and saw him and aparently since going back to maryland they've been talkin alot...i don't know how much alot is in the terms of a week, but lets just go with everyday...that sounds like a good one. but yeah they've been talkin alot and he plans on comin out to visit her towards the end of February...ahhh...so nice...she lies to me...hides her problems from me...plays me for a fool...comes out with it three months later....ignores me...goes to him...has a good rebound...dumps me soon to be divorce...then continues to persue their little thing...she says otherwise but this is what is happening. I may not have been gotten rid of immediately for him, but it is getting more and more easier for her to ignore me and what has happened and forget all of those special moments we had shared and all the experiences and memories we built, because this is CORNFUCK!!! One of her little recruiter station boys...men...failed relationships...I don't understand this...I fucking hate life...she's pushing and pushing me further and further to hating her. I don't want that. I hate that i'm beginning to see all these little things on what people in this day and age do to fuck everything up that relationships are supposed to be built on and avoided. People just don't give a fuck anymore...its all about the better deal....or flavor of the week...or i want to be the fucking princess and nothing anyone does will sate my fucking thirst...Life is bullshit and I wish I would just drop dead because I am so fucking tired of going through scenario and scenario being put through all sorts of crap, while constantly forgiving the person that fucks me, and still end up loosing... I would think that if you have someone that will let you walk all over them and love you no matter what you would want to keep that person and not ruin things...but aparently i'm wrong...aparently people want more then just a door mat...or they want the doormat and a little something else. I don't fucking know...she tells me little things and then says her head is fuzzy her thoughts are jumbled....i'm sorry. but weren't you going to leave me last year because i was telling you those things...how is it you can hate our relationship and marriage and want to leave it because i do one thing...then when they change, you begin to lie more and hide more shit and then instead of opening up and coming out with you you start pulling that bullshit....I don't get it. I don't understand the point of fucking logic that goes into such a fucking decision as to constantly lie and fuck over someone that is so totally devoted and worshippig the ground you walk on as I was, am and probably fucking will. You act like this doesn't affect you, and that everything we went through and know and share means nothing to you while I sit here and ball over the idea of trying something to get you back or the many different scenarios in which I would love to kill myself. I don't fucking get it. We had everything. We had shit we needed to work on, yeah so be it...every relationship does...you will never be in a relationshiop without having problems and having shit to work out. That is fucking life, and it is never a cake walk. Shit happens and you got to role with the punches and drive the fuck on if you really want to make it through. Or maybe thats just me and you really never wanted us to work. Maybe I was used all four years as a catalyst for you to all your bigger and better supposed ideas. Maybe I was just a provider of all these benifits that when our paperwork is signed you will loose and won't be able to afford on your own...maybe I was just a fucking tool who couldn't see the obviousness of all your lieing and deciet. I don't know..you wont tell me. You have been running from me ever since we got married and yet I was always blamed as never informing you on what was going on. You were never good at it. I have always had to pull shit out of you. You would hint, and when we did have conversations that you tried to get me to open up you still never gave me the whole truth and all the information...I had to go read your fucking online journal to see the rest of your thoughts and all the blame and hate you put towards me. So yeah, I know you want it over...I know mr. fucking Cornfuck is your new love interest and so by all means forget me...forget all we had shared and what we planned for. forget the names we wanted for our children. forget the all the damn dogs and cats you wanted to have with me, forget the house we wanted to have...forget the damn ceremony I promised you that we would have no matter what...forget how much my family loved you and absolutely happy they were to have you as apart of their lives...forget me...Focus on Cornfuck because hopefully that'll work out for you, and niether one of you will manage to fuck that up, though i'm sure it will. He is a fucking idiot that (just like all the other asses you dated) wants nothing more than to get in your pants, and i'm sure once he has enough of that he'll be done with you again for a few more years. And you'll find yourself another rebound...I'm angry...i'm in hate...i'm in a frame I do not want to be in because I love you so goddamn much that you will never fully understand nor it seems that you will never care too you. Me and this relationship seemed to be nothing more than a joke...you want little things...you said i stopped doing them and that upset you...yet when it mattered I always found something to brighten you up...I did the small...I did the big...I did it all and I asked for nothing in return but truth, honesty and love...did you give me that....thats your question. Do you think you actually gave me everything that I asked for. My only requirements. Because with those, no matter what happened I told you then and I tell you now that we would have always found a way to make it through because thats how I roll. I don't quit, I don't give up. Remember I always said it was your decision. Because day get go, I told you, I swore to you, that I would never give up on you, or us. I would always be there through thick and thin. And I kept that. Remember I asked you what you wanted, and you put us here. Not me. I was fighting...I still am. I am dying slowly but surely and am enjoying it. I have always been there. I never meant to let you down when I did and I fixed it as best I could when I did let you down. I wouldn't stop until I felt and knew you were happy and good again. I let you cheat on me, I let you always go with calling me names as fucker and bitch and every other little name you have, I always let you talk with past relationships and yes I let my worry out and known, but I always let you know on the things that mattered to me...i tried every minute of every day. It may take me awhile but goddamnit I fucking tried. No one can take that from me. No one can say otherwise. All I wanted was for you too relax and enjoy the ride. Because I would have took control and I wouldn't have led you wrong. I had plans...serious plans...
Fuck life. Aparently it is true. Those who are nice finish last. So lets see how well I do being a selfish angry son of a bitch.

Its funny. How I can give chances time and time again. For things that no one should get second and third and fourth chances on and its me that has the problems. I kept putting my neck out there, only for that axe to hit harder and harder and yet I'm the one that gets the blame from most outside individuals...Its funny that when its my turn to get a second chance, for things that are no where near as bad as breaking trust and decievement, that I get to watch the one I love turn their back on me because they say they can't fully give into a second chance....

Happy ~ Mudvayne

In this hole, that is me
the dead are rolling over
in this hole thickeing dirt shovled over sholders
I fell in me so overwhelmed oh this pressured
Centering rising
my life overturned unfair the despair all these scars
keep riping open
peel me from the skin
tear me from myself
are u feeling happy now
tear meat from the bone
tear me from myself
are u feeling happy now
in this hole that is me a life thats growing feeble
in thsi hole so limiting the sun has set all darkness
buried underneath hands slip off the wheel
internal pathway to contention
peel me form the skin tear me for the rind
does it meake u happy now
tear meat from the bone tear me form myself
are u feeling happy now
peel me from the skin tear me from myself
are u feeling happy now
does it make u happy
are u feeling happy
are u Fucking happy
now that im lost left with nothing
does it make u happy
are u feeling happy
Are u Fucking happy
now that im lost left with nothing

2006-01-28T18:49:00.000-09:00

Yesterday was another horrible day that has been somewhat of a stagnant for this past week...I was at another base the other day with one of our junior enlisted and an NCO and our First Sergeant came out there...well he was seein how we all were doing and from my demeaner I assumed he could tell I wasn't doing well at all...so he took me in the back and asked what was wrong and hell if my life doesn't suck all ready I stood there and told him admist all the tears and crying...He said he was sorry and if there was anything that he could do he would but he told me that need to try to take care of myself and look after myself because unfortunately thats the only thing I can control at the moment...I told him I can't...I have a wife...I want to take care of my wife...I need to take care of my wife...he told me just to stay strong and hopefully it'll all work out in the end....
Stay strong??? How the fuck am I supposed to do that? My life is falling apart and I am slowly pushing my health with it because I just don't care anymore. Its gotten to the point that half way through my first cigarette I get really dizzy...probably not good, but who cares. I don't have anything anymore...My NCO says to just hold on and dont worry. that he's sure by the time comes around for me to take my R & R leave in June that'll it'll be better and she'll change her mind...I told him that she doesn't want me to call her. And that she thinks it'll be better for me to change my leave...So what does that spell out for you!? She is either A) Not in love with me anymore or B) Knows that any contact with me would change her mind because we both know this is a mistake...I'm hurt...I'm at the bottom of my rope and I really don't care about holding on. I want it too snap, I want to make that final decent because what else is there. I don't want anyone else. She's the perfect one for me. We argue, Yes...We disagree, yes...we have had communication problems, yes...we have had our problems. like every relationship. There's never a relationship that doesn't go by that they don't have a hard time or another. But we also had tremendous love for each other. We had lots of fun with each other...Our intimacy was the greatest I had ever felt. We know things about each other that alot of people don't know. We've seen the best the worst and everything in between for each other. We've had our ups and our downs...Why would she want to give this up...this doesn't make sense...i told her there's only so much we can do to fix things over a phone stateside, much less overseas...We just have to make it through this deployment and we can fix everything else...I plan on either finding another place to move too or getting the hell out of the army...We can fix this I know we can...and so I sit here crying next to one of my coworkers/friends just like I did our first sergeant yesterday, much like I've done every day and every night since the 22nd of January...She doesn't want me to call her...but I did...just a little while ago...I didn't say anything...except I muffled sorry after she said hello...she hung up...she didn't sound sad...or upset...or dissapointed in our situation...or like she has been thinking and pondering and going through all the emotions...she sounded okay...just that one word.......I want to hear her voice...I miss it...I miss the sound of her laugh...I miss her bitching at the dog.......I miss her sniffles at times when she's sick....I miss her muffle when she's tryin to talk after bein woken up and not really coherent....I need to hear her again....I want to talk to her again.....but I don't think she wants to talk to me....I don't know why, why does she push me away....why does she pretend to not love me anymore....why does she act like she doesn't hurt, therefore doesn't care about us anymore.....why do I hurt so much...why can't I be strong anymore and turn my back like she wants me to do....because....because I know that when I do, we will never hear from each other again...I know that....I would break the ties.....I did with Laura. she tried to keep in touch and I couldn't so I stopped emailing...stopped answering my phone when it was from her....I didn't want anything to do with her....I know I would do the same for angel...the hurt is so much worse...she was/is my life...and she doesn't want anything to do with me...no...that can't be true....why do you do this...i couldn't have been this bad to deserve this....what did I do that karmically evens this out....why...please stop...please see the light in this because i cannot...i love you so much that this is driving me crazy....angel i need you please take me back......

2006-01-27T18:41:00.000-09:00

As can be seen, I was quite in the angry mood yesterday...today...i don't know...I ended up cryin myself to sleep again last night as I guess my tirade of lashing out had to come to an end...I just wish it did while I was sleepin. So now i'm kinda in between. I want to cry, but my body won't let me...I want to yell and scream...but again my body won't let me...so I sit here, with a jumble of emotions and thoughts that again make me sick and feel like throwing up.
I was thinking yesterday on how well therapy was for me and I wish I was still in Washington to continue it...I could go here, and if the way my thoughts have been continue I may end up there...but I don't like military docs...especially head docs. I just don't like the scenario. But I was just thinking on how much of a leaf I have turned since I started therapy and had those four or five sessions through october to december...My attitude has pretty much changed big time if you worked or hung out with my back in Maryland. And that got me thinking...if we had a bit more time in Maryland would marridal counciling have helped, would we have been better able to get out and sort out our shit...I think so...then I also thought what if she would go to therapy and get someone that was understanding and helped her get her shit sorted out...I mean if you read her online journal you can see how long she has couped with alot of her issues and she tried doing the medication thing but that obviously hasn't helped, so I just thought on what if she would. Because yes, as she said in her journal, which is pretty much what I told her...I have grown tired on living off of her hopes...because she would get better...or hide it, and we would move forward start getting good then when I start to give in and close my eyes and let her lead thats when I get pushed down to the mud...she has always had a knack for those moments. Whenever I got too comfortable thats when we would have problems. But what if therapy would help. I mean she's still a dependent, so it would be free and if it helped and helped her see that we can push through this crap...would I take her back? Yes, honestly I think I would...but...see there's a but...I would need alot of proving. Like with another issue I would need proof that she has turned a new leaf...But I would take her back, because in the end she is my wife...she is my love...she is my everything...I have built my life around her and as well as my world...I don't think she ever fully realized that...ever saw the things I did try to do for her and us...yes I was immature and yes I handled things alot differently then she would have but isn't that the adventure of it all...if two people thought exactly the same wouldn't that be just as much if not more annoying than two who thought differently...I think so...at least if you are different that gives you more options. But like I said, I would take her back, we could make it work...this doesn't have to die. I love her...She has never truly seen me hurt until now...back last year it was all about her. If you read her posts and read between the lines and fully grasp the emotion and what she was saying it was always truly about her, and she never really truly tried to understand my side or care about how i felt or what I thought or what I had to say...She was just pissed off and angry and hateful to me and anyone else that didn't say or think the exact same as she did, and you can see that. That was one of her complaints. I didn't see things from her point of view...and when I would throw the same back at her, because unlike popular belief i did see it from her side...but when I threw it back she would get very angry and spiteful towards me...and I had one friend tell me that she did the same to him over the phone, which ended in a very short conversation. But I think therapy would do good. She could have someone else too talk to, who knows nothing on our situation, and would be middle...the only thing I wish we could have done is do sessions together cause I think that would have been much more benificial. That way the doc would have both sides of the story instead of just one point of view or one side. I love Angel...I do. I always will and I will always be there to pick up the pieces. I want our marriage to work, because as much as I don't want to be divorced by 24 or 25 I don't want to be divorced from her. We had some awesome times, beautiful times, romantic times, lustful times...we had everything. When we were seen as good we were so much better than that, but when we were bad, thats when all eyes were on us and thats when she was most vocal about me and our life together. You never hear couples talk much about when the good times are going, you just always hear them bitching about each other, and I think that was one thing we messed up on as well...we didn't take time out to fully see what we had, we just took it for granted because we wanted it too always be there and so we thought it would be. She isn't a failure. Or at least isn't the only one. I blame myself every moment of the day that I have to breath with the knowledge that I am still willing and trying to fight for a marriage that is slowly slipping away. But I know if we had another chance, to go somewhere, live together and do this again that we would make it right. We know what our faults our, we know what we both need to improve on, thats the first step to maturing. The next is to start working on them, and helping your other work on theirs, because doing so you would both be fixing your problems. Now not everything can be fully fixed and taken away, otherwise it wouldn't be much of a relationship. You need that anger at times. You need to hate each other at times. Like a friend told me the more you love someone the more angry they make you, the more power they have to hurt you. It is true. This wouldn't hurt so much if there wasn't something there. She wouldn't feel like such a failure and care about how i'm hurting if there wasn't something there. Something was there, something worth keeping and fighting for.

Some Will Seek Forgiveness ~ Underoath

I heard a voice through the discord
A deluge of passersby
I saw one gaze frozen in time
Watching me passing by

And I swear I'll know your face in the crowd
And I'll hear your voice so loud
When you're whispering

Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger, to be stronger
Hey ungraceful I will teach you
To forgive one another.

Here's my kiss to betray (Kiss to betray)
Desperate to brush the lips of grace
Do you feel hollow when you think of how I lied?

Oh sweet angel of mercy
With your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me
Oh sweet angel of mercy
With your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me

Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger, to be stronger
Hey ungraceful I will teach you
To forgive one another

Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger, to be stronger
Hey unloving
I will love you
I will love you
I will love you

And Jesus I'm ready to come home
Jesus, I'm ready to come home(home)
home (home)I'm ready to come
Hey Unfaithful
Hey Ungraceful
Hey Unloving
I will love you
Hey Unloving (Hey Unloving)
I will love you

2006-01-26T19:36:00.000-09:00

She says she hurts...but does she really? Why would she hurt...why does she...she wanted this. I wasn't wanted or needed anymore. The decision was easy and thought on...it shouldn't hurt if you want this so much...Should be like asking do I take a left or a right, then choosing. She says she hurts, but does she really know what hurt is...has been driving to the brink time and time again. Has she spent hours...days on end contimplating the how to end her own life, and the effect it would have. Sitting in a strange bed, in a strange land with people that try to understand and help ease the pain, but sitting there, a pool of your own tears from hours of crying and thoughts of just wanting to give up and wish whatever joke of a god is up there would just quit bullshitting you and just take your life then and there. Has she? No...she wanted this...But I have...Everyday since this has begun...Why would I think different? I want her, not a half ass piece of advice that there is always someone for everyone and you never know what can happen in the future...FUCK THE GODDAMN FUTURE!!!! I don't want it without her! I don't want another woman to take a role I wanted, planned, needed her to fill! I grew up enough to know what I at least wanted out of life and it was her! Thats why I said I do! Thats why I would smile while she slept! Thats why I would always brag about her to people that she had yet to meet! Thats why I always tried to outdo myself when it came too her birthday or christmas or try to get her that something special if I managed to find something that she wouldn't expect! I wanted it to be her...and only her with my fucking last name!!! MY FUCKING LAST NAME!!!! A cursed name to say the least because my father left one hell of a fucking trail and I did not want to have any part of it and I refuse to believe that I am falling down the same path!! I wanted her to be the mother of my children because against her belief I knew she would be a great mother! Better then alot of other women! BUT I'M THE FUCKING IDIOT!!! I'M THE GODDAMN RETARD FOR BELIEVING IN EVERYTHING THAT I THOUGHT WAS BEING PLANNED AND ACCOMPLISHED FOR FOUR YEARS!!! Yes we had our problems but problems are fixable. We had nothing compared to our parents!!! Especially mine!!! We weren't like other couples that I have known and seen! We just had simple mistakes that built up because one of us would turn that blind fucking eye and tried to disbelieve it instead of hashing it out and solving it!!!
I hurt...I want it over...My life is getting lower by the minute...as I have no want in finding that hidden promise that a cruel life always says is around the corner or behind another door...my foot is still in the other door and I refuse to let it fully close...I don't want anything or anyone else...hell at the moment I don't want myself...My mind has not left the thoughts of end since I began my downward decent into such a sufferable place. At work I play face but everyone knows my pain and anguish that I fight everyday...I am very vocal at times about it...but I play face. Like I always have I act like I have no fucking problem in the world and I play and laugh and go about my business...but I do have a problem...I have to call my mom...my mom...she loved her...she always said she was the favorite...between me her and david...her favorite...and i have to tell her that she doesn't want this anymore...I have to find a way to break my mothers heart...but she'll never know how far his son has fallen...how low he is...how many possible ways of killing himself he has thought of...I hate life...I hate everyone in it (so to speak). I know the things I want....One is not too hurt anymore...

2006-01-24T05:24:00.000-09:00

End

Does she hurt as much as I do
Does she feel the pain inside
Does she feel the burn in my throat
The swelling of the eyes.

Hearts torn open
Eyes sewn shut
Emotions run wild
We died this night.

Does she know what I’m thinking
When I stare into the night
Does she feel my life fleeting
When I hurt myself to hide

Voices stutter
Wounds are bleeding
Hearts stop their flutter
We died this night.

A pain so real
We never saw it
A pain so deep
No chance to hide it

Does she hurt as I do
Did we think things through
This is not what I meant for us
When I said I love you

2006-01-23T18:43:00.000-09:00

Its over...and the last words i'll ever remember is "be safe out there"

I am no truly alone. I look down and notice that there are no footsteps parrell to my own. Forward is a dark and frightening road that i am afraid to walk. I talked to her last night...almost two hours...and its done...its over...i sit here now with tear filled eyes and a mind that is swirling about in an abyss of shame, hate, and longing. i dont know what to do anymore, and i don't think i really care to figure out.

Like i told a friend a couple days ago, i was so much stronger before the military. i didn't need or want anyone. I was my own man, and thrived on it...but now...i can barely stand on my own too feet because there is a world there that i cannot get used too. And now I have no support to which to find my ground.

"be safe out there...."probably the last words i'll ever hear from her. and it fills me with such pain that should be a crime against humanity. i don't care about safe anymore. i don't care anymore period...I lost. I've truly lost. I am set to be divorced...something i wanted to avoid at all costs, but now i am no better than my father. I am a drunk, I am disrespectful, I am a shovenistic pig, as well as someone who failed his family...I am as well no better than all the men that came before me in her relationships. I failed her, and hurt her...

i wish this would all go away. i wish i could stop hurting...i wish i had never joined the military. if i stayed home i would be safe...i would have been better...i wouldn't have gotten so enraptured in an image of a so called family that i could not possibly give. i was strong there. i was invincible.

I don’t care anymore. I’ve lost it all. I am now forced to see and face my own demons alone, as well as the rest of what this miserable and joke of a life has to bring me. Yesterday a friend was watching City Of Angels…and I still hate that movie for the fact that it shows how fucking shitty life truly for people. We are nothing more than a joke for whomever watches down on us. We are an amusement, and nothing more than dirt on the ground. I have come to hate life.

Everyone also searches for this special meaning to it as well. And I think I’ve got one….Suffer until you find peace in death…if your lucky. But suffer none the less.

I believe karmic fate is still trying to get even with me…I didn’t think I’ve ever done anything so bad to deem such punishment reasonable but somehow I have, and karma is still trying to cash in.

I hate life…I hate fate…I hate the falsehood that people give in hopes of something better…Most of all I hate myself. I deserve nothing more than what I’ve gotten. The picket fence dream is that…just a dream…at least for me. All ideas and plans I had for my coming years now mean nothing…and I don’t care to plan again. I had it all, and through blindness I beat it to a bloody pulp and pushed it away too far to pull back and mend…can I blame her for running…no. Can I blame her for wanting this too end…No...In the end, no matter what I say, I always blame myself and hate myself for it. I had the chance for something special and meaningful but I killed it.

I need to go. I am in pain, and I can barely hold back the tears of my damnation. I need to go to work and then go back to my bed and hopefully pass out…

Song Of The Moment
Story of the Year ~ Silent Murder

It’s a silent murder
It’s a grave that sings your song
It’s a quiet failure
It’s the one that makes you strong

We are heading down a long empty road
We pass lost souls blinded by the cold

Watch the fire burn out
Watch the curtains slowly close
Waiting on the final words your heart already knows

We are heading down a long empty road
We pass lost souls blinded by the cold
By the cold

It’s a silent murder
It’s a grave that sings your song

2006-01-22T05:06:00.000-09:00

I am lost...I am broken. I thought I had had it all...but now...but now...
These have been the longest four days for some time now. I have had little sleep...little too eat, and what I do manage to eat, it comes back up soon later. I have smoked almost a full carton of cigarretes and have gone up in down so many emotions it has made me feel very sick. Yesterday I was angry...which had greatened throughout the day. I was full of all sorts of piss and vineger. I had talked to a friend for a couple hours, i believe, and it had calmed me down greatly...but the anger was still there...today i have had a very hard time fighting back the tears. work was a good distraction...but it only lasted so long as we didn't have much to do today. so once sitting back at my desk again, all the thoughts and emotions came tumbling back. with tears i wept.
I have been trying to get ahold of her now since yesterday, and unfortunately no answer has come forth. A friend said he hadn't seen her since thursday i believe, and that her car wasn't home...which made me worry. So now was she not answering any calls...to the home phone or cell...but she was gone. with no word. i've been wanting to talk. to get answers, to get shit out in the open, to find out what is going on...but i have been ignored, and have been left on my own in a world spiraling out of control.
Sleep is not something I have been privy too since this started. Once I get comfortable, all the thoughts come back, and I have to get up because i come close to throwing up. So I either walk out in the bitter cold, tear filled eyes against the wind, a cigarette in hand thinking, or i try to forget with video games and music...which usually leads to me going outside anyways.
I hurt. I don't know what to do, and why it had come to this...again. I had worked very hard on changing things...with myself and how i reacted and came to the challenge of events. I was doing better. I was going to therapy, and getting out my issues with my relationship that was falling apart and with my anger. I wasn't blowing up at work anymore, i was actually quite happy with my new bosses. Since being in the army these were the first ones that right from the get go treated me with respect and gave me a reason to be prideful. And with all that I was doing alot better with my anger at home. Of course I still got angry, thats not going to go totally away, but it was no where near as much. And after every therapy session I would call her and let her know what all was said and give my feelings and thoughts on it, and we would talk for hours...or not so long depending on the time of my appointment. but we would talk. we would discuss. we would conclude and get past things. or so i thought. to me it appeared that we were finally growing up together. that we were becoming that couple we kept trying to be, but had a rough start getting to. it had seemed like we were actually going to make the marriage, a marriage...to me...
I'm not angry at the moment, so i hope this all doesn't come across. I just need to type...to write...to see my thoughts in hopes of keeping my sanity for a few hours.
like I said i've tried calling her...but have had no luck in getting her to pick up. I am worried...worried in case something has happened. worried for what she might be doing that would be out of character for her...worried on why she doesn't want to talk...i am angry, yes...angry of the possibility that she might be ignoring me...angry at the thought of possibly being played...angry, for the sake of not crying when i'm in this mood.
I know my anger has gotten me into alot of trouble, and i'm sure it always will. those that know me know how much i thrive on this emotion. like i can harness and easily assume it better than others. and that saddens me, because i know i do. I know that with my anger, i am focused. i am indestructable, i am hard to shake...but as well with my anger i am blind. focused and blind. i rush, i react quickly...too quickly...i attack. very brutally i attack and fight and push. not necissarily physically, but mentally and emotionally i do. at least not with her, or any woman. i could never bring myself to do such a thing...but my words can hold just as much sting and venom that a punch can if i get too deep.
I am worried. I do not know what she is doing, and why. we were happy. october through december we were happy. we were planning. we had a good thanksgiving with her mom and soon to be step dad. we had a good two weeks together. i left on a good note, and we would see each other again in six months when i would come back on r & r. Then january came...thats where she started to get less and less talkative. I asked her if she could get me a certain dvd so i could have something else too watch...more wrestling. she blew it off..pretty much said no...the next week was our anniversary. i didn't have too much money nor could i find much to get her, but i got her some flowers and at the pics i looked at they seemed pretty. i called her that day and we talked...all was good. we had a good conversation and all was fine. i called her the next day, saturday, her day off, and she...something...she pretty much wouldn't talk. i would try to start something of a conversation, and i would get a two or three word reply and then nothing...for thirty or thirty-five minutes i heard her tv for nearly about 90 percent of the time...so i was a little angry but i tried not to let it get to me, but i told her i was going to let her go, we weren't talking and i didn't want to waste my phone card. i had already used almost 1400 minutes in the first month callin her...alot of fuckin talkin...i decided to give it a few days, maybe she just didn't have things to talk about. so i went to call her tuesday, three days past, and couldn't get on the phone. our two females were hogging it to the umph degree. so i went to call her wednesday...well i didn't get out of work till about 7 o clock at night after being up since 4 in the morning. and we worked all day with barely a break as we had alot of bad food that we had to test and condem. so i was a bit upset i didn't get to call her but i brushed it off. i would call her at all costs come thrusday. i would stay up as late as i had too, i had friday off so nothing would stop me. and I did. but as soon as she got on the phone i could tell she was angry and full of all sorts of fire. she let me know what she thought on me not callin and i explained why then she asked if i thought it was a problem that we didn't talk. and i told her i didn't think much of it, because i tried to talk. she then came at me with how she's been thinking that there was a problem and that there always has been. that we have always been bad at communicating. i told her i have been tremendously better since this all fell down in july. i have told her everything and haven't held back...no matter how brutal it might have been. she told me she thought there was a problem and didn't know how we would get past it and how she was mad that this was like the second or third time i went a few days without callin. i told her that i thought if she was so mad about us not talking then she should take the advantage and actually talk to me when i do call and not ignore me for the sake of television. and i was sorry for going a few days at a time without talking a few times but i was deployed and i may not have alot of work and some days not strenous work but i am always up at 4 in the morning if not sooner, been sick since getting here, and by the time we get out on some days i am dead tired. she said she thought there was a problem and that she didn't know what she wanted anymore...that floored me...didn't know what you wanted anymore...so what was october through december...you helped just as much as me...if not more in initiating us getting back together...and now you don't know what you want anymore...we had a good two weeks which wasn't cheap, and a great thanksgiving with your mom...and you don't know what you want anymore...we took pictures of us to give to our families for christmas, and you made a big collage for my mother...MY MOTHER who loves the hell out of you...and you don't know what you want anymore?
i am greatly confused. this is why i don't know whats going on anymore. i have been more open with her then ever. i haven't held anything back at anytime, and yet there was a supposed communication problem. i've been going to therapy, i have greatly improved my anger, i have an apartment meant for us, i have been trying to make all this plans and surprises for you for when i come down on R&R and you think that there was a communication problem this entire time, that you don't know what you want anymore...if there was a communication problem then why wasn't i ever told...i thought we were communicating a shit load better. and you were very gungho about us getting back together. more then me at the time because i was starting to come to the realization of a break up, an impending divorce.
so yeah, i believe there is a communication problem. the fact that you are hiding...or ignoring...or whatever you are doing or not doing. i'm trying to call you..i want to talk...we need to talk...and yet you are hiding from me and our problems...or at least from me. nothing can be solved and worked on if this is ignored and hidden from. i know that. i'm trying to talk. i've been trying since i coming back in july. i haven't held back anything. i was making the change, taking the curve, improving myself for you and for us. i was making better. but somehow there was a communication problem...i'm trying to call her again tonight..her morning, afternoon...all that jazz. we need to talk. but i'm not sure she wants to. i don't know why, and trying to figure out why my calls go unanswered fills me with tears and heartache.
again things get going good, start to improve...and she runs.......

Story of the Year ~ Take Me Back

Do you still remember back when days were longer, dreams were bigger then
The weight of the world had not yet landed on the shoulders of a man
(I THOUGHT) I thought that time stood still, sheltered, protected
They never told me this would end or that the leaves would fall again

So take me back, back to better days
Cause this time between is wasting me away
Take me back, when we were not afraid
Cause this time between is wasting me away

There was a day when this world went to war and didn't bat an eye
Real life in the movies felt the same to me and I never questioned why
(I KNOW) I know the difference now, between fact and fiction
But I've come to find that I've grown bitter in just 24 short years

So take me back, back to better days
Cause this time between is wasting me away
So take me back, when we were not afraid
Cause this time between is wasting me away

Wasting me away, Waste away
So now we're running, we're running blind into the light
And we fall behind
We're running and wasting away with time

So take me back, back to better days
Cause this time between is wasting me away
Take me back, when we were not afraid
Cause this time between is wasting me away
Take me back, yeah back to better days
Cause this time between is wasting me away
Take me back, when we were not afraid
Cause this time between is wasting me away

Yeah take me back, just take me back, yeah take me back
(Take me back)
Yeah take me back, just take me back, yeah take me back
(Take me back)
When we were not afraid

2006-01-19T21:09:00.000-09:00

Not much to write at the moment as my mind is bogged down with various problems and woes. Again the world of blind happiness I have built around myself has been shattered and it seems that this will be for the last time. People may say that I could have been a better husband or what not, and those are the people that only had one side of the story, because frankly I never told people my side. Its no ones business but mine and the people involved. And there are plenty that never came to me for my side and ready to just take what they hear from someone else at face value, but whatever. So be it. I am angry...filled with hate and thoughts of violence. I am hurt. Nothing to sate not even hourse sitting next to a cold building in 40 degree weather in shorts and a t shirt smoking 2 packs and crying for hours could help to fix. I feel betrayed and lied to. I feel like I have been nothing more than a safety net to the better things. But I'm the bad husband. I'm the one who never sees the problems and eventually makes them worse. I'm sorry, but I have busted my ass and have destroyed any part of sanity I have ever had in tryin to make this work, only to keep being pushed down and beaten like a fucking dog that refuses to die. And yet no one has ever seen that....no one has ever cared too....I'm the bad husband. So whatever. If thats how everyone wants to see it, then they can see it. I don't care anymore. I've done everything I can and by myself aparently because for a long time now it has been me as the only one giving a shit to do anything about it. I have matured, relationship wise, much more than 80 percent of the people in my age group...but yet I have been told that I need to grow up. I need to start acting like a grownup about things. Till you've walked in my shoes, till you've heard my side, don't fucking talk to me about growin or maturing up. You don't know, and no one cares too. I am on my own. Such as how it has been for nearly a decade now. Me, myself against a world bent to make life miserable for itself because misery and despair and self loathing is all this world seems to fucking now. So I go. I walk my lonely walk down whatever path this bullshit of a life wants to bring to me because in the end thats all I have. In the end I think thats all I will ever need. I have done my fighting. I have done my begging. I have cried and balled, and lashed out in anger; I have pleaded and begged for mercy; I have constantly questioned myself and beaten myself mentally and emotionallly over every mistake I have been told is mine; and yet...and yet...
We are all creatures of lust and need. And I am starting to come to the terms of maybe thats what love and wants really are...just simple downplayed forms of those. I don't want to believe such things but thats what it seems to be all that is left in this cruel miserable bullshit of a world. We all need love, but almost everyone gives up because of the good sex that they find untill the get bored with it and find something else on the side that peaks their interest further.
The life of the white picket fence, the loving wife and kids time is seemingly over, and no one cares anymore. We all want that bigger and better deal. I like what you offer me, but he offers something new, or she offers me this...It seems like I have been living a lie for four plus years now and was blind to it entirely. My thoughts, my plans, my wishes and dreams were just that...mine. Everyone I've come in contact with or had my relationships with had other plans and have aparently used me until they could find the next step too that goal they have for themselves. So be it. I will sit here with my bottle....I will do what I have always done in life when drama and strife have found me. I will take it, I will learn from it, I will be strong and take care of myself. I will make my life for me, I will fight the good fight on my own because there is truly no one that has your back. Life is an uphill battle, a gamble, and nothing is ever easy. And if you give up on what you say is most important because you think its too hard or you don't know how to fix it or whatever than...
I march alone. Give me my ruck...give me my weapon. I will gaurd my lane with my life, and will give to what is just. I am an american soldier who fights for those that truly deserve it and I shall be until whatever lord up there wishes my presence. I am a conformist; I am a rebel. I do what I feel is right for my moral reasons will lead me to a life that will make those lucky few around me happy.
Life's a gamble, its always 50/50. You can't live if you don't play. You'll never know if you don't take that chance. You'll hurt yourself and everyone else if safety is your favorite spot on the field.
In the end we will all die. We all die alone. And we will all die without a legacy to leave behind. Our faces will be forgotten, then our names...then our families entirely. You are no more important than those next too you, behind you, or in front. Nothing about you is special, or noteworthy.
I end this blog with a song that I have constantly listened too for months now.

Hurt - Nine Inch Nails - Remade by the late Johnny Cash

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end

and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end

and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

2006-01-04T02:08:00.000-09:00

Well another rant, another rave. Its funny I post so much more when i'm in fucking Kuwait, when I ain't got shit goin on, but when there was so much goin on, turmoil, mayhem and otherwise i couldn't write worth a shit. I figured the people that knew about my blog and would therefore respond to it were living there with me, and heard all of it therefore didn't need to post on a webpage their response.
Ah well. Anyways not much is going on. Pretty much all of us is gettin ready to sign up for various classes and shit for college and i'm tryin to join in, but when i get to thinkin of what i want to do with my life...or what i want to aim for i just don't know anymore. I was wanting to become a teacher. I figured there aren't enough positive male role models for the younger generations anymore and I would like to do my part for them. I mean i'm good with kids and want to be the one to help them learn. But now i'm just...blah...fucking blah. I don't know if i want to do that anymore...Than i've been tryin to write a novel now for what seems like forever, and i've written and rewritten and rewritten and i'm always getting stuck. I just don't have the motivation in my life like what i did when i started to actually put forth the effort with it anymore. Which sucks cause i don't know why. When i started it, i had just moved back in with my mom, was a few months away from doing the first signing with the Army, and pretty much i had secluded myself away from all my friends so i could try to clean myself up. So the only friends i had were the ones i hung out with on the internet...and i had done alot of writting and rewritting and sent it out to a couple to get their input and they would help me out, show me some editing errors help with ideas and direction every now and then, hell they were so much apart of the process it wasn't funny. Hell pretty much all the characters in the book was created after people i knew. But ever since i've left for the army i haven't had any motivation...i've had various other people that i've gone to to get help and see what they think and at first its all good, then it seems they just loose interest or they just never cared for it to begin with.
To hell with it i guess. I'm like so many thousands of miles away from...some type of home...i really don't know where to call it anymore. I don't know what i would want to do with my life, education wise...yeah. such internal drama. And yet i trench on. Playin face, actin like its all hunkey dorey. Anyways i gotta end this, back to work. Cleanin weapons at the moment.

Peace and Chicken greace

SONG OF THE MOMENT: SLIT WRIST THEORY ~ 36 CRAZYFIST

With the absence of eye, I can start to bleed again...
With the color of hearts it seems like you wear right thin
And as it falls from your mouth, it seems like youneeded it more
Well I can still ask for more, I will still ask for more...

Get the fuck out, stay the fuck out
It makes me sick (I'm alright)
Slit wrist theory, stains us all...

Lace me up, lace me up
I'm still looking for these angels in the snow
Lace me up, lace me up
I'm still looking for these angels in the snow

It seems like a runaround
Words that won't matter
And as it falls from your mouth it seems like youneeded it more
And I will color you all red, I will color you all...red

Get the fuck out, stay the fuck out
It makes me sick (I'm alright)
Slit wrist theory, stains us all...

Lace me up, lace me up
I'm still looking for these angels in the snow
Lace me up, lace me up
I'm still looking for these angels in the snow

Braided conversation

Get the fuck out, stay the fuck out
It makes me sick (I'm alright)
Slit wrist theory, stains us all...
And caved the fuck in, and bashed the fuck in, it's so old
Slit wrist theory, stains us all...

Slit wrist!

Lace me up, lace me up
I'm still looking for these angels in the snow
Lace me up, lace me up
I'm still looking for these angels in the snow

Lace me up...

2005-12-31T17:52:00.000-09:00

HAPPY NEW YEARS YOU DIRTY MOTHER FUCKERS!!

Well its like 10 in the evening for some of you fucks, and 9 for others, but still its the fact of the matter. Hope all is having fun gettin drunk and doin shit that they could possibly regret later cause goddamnit its new years and there's drinking and thats how new years rolls.

till next post,

peace bitches

2005-12-31T00:00:00.000-09:00

Well here I be again. Typing, just before having to start my daily work. On another cold fucking morning...in the desert...The desert...cold? What the fuck kind of horseshit is that? I thought there was supposed to be some fucking heat with the sandbox, at least, nowhere near as cold as it has been. Oh! And thats not the best part. Its the rainy season up here....Rain...and Cold? In the desert. I'm sorry, am I still in Washington state. I didn't know they tricked me and sent me to Yakima Training Grounds. This is bullshit. Its not supposed to be this cold, let alone rain in the damn desert. If they have a rainy season, you think this dumbasses would come up with a way to catch, and store the fucking water. But know...thats why they gotta be dumb. Can't find a way to store water. Life's nurishing liquid. A thing that all living things require. Fuck that! We got sand! And oil! We don't need no water! So yeah, its funny and annoying. But supposedly once the rainy season is over...sometime around march or april so i'm told, thats when the oven is turned on and it'll be hotter then hell. So hopefully that shit'll come around quicklike. I need some heat. COME ON BABY!!!
I'm just glad it hasn't rained since the last time...just peeved that I left of damn cold rainy place, only to have to put up with it while in a desert who's not supposed to have that crap...horseshit. Other than the weather pissin me off, not really much else has happened. Last week I got my small pox vaccine, so now my arm itches like freakin crazy and I can't scratch it without fear of spreading it about my body. So i got like a week of constant wanting to itch without the ability to do so. Frustrating. Than I've been sleeping on cots, which I haven't done in quite some time, that are mostly broken and worn down, and causing me major back pains. Now I know I need to suck it up and drive on, but when I have trouble just sitting up, or standing and walking, its a bit hard to do my job at the same time. So my NCO calls me a pussy, but ends up yesterday runnin into sick call cause he woke up with a sore throat and coughin up shit. I was like "MOTHER FUCKER? Call me a pussy." So those that know my attitude and demeanor well, i proceeded to make fun of him and tease him to his face about how much of a pussy he is, while I've been putting up with my back problems for almost two weeks and still haven't gone into sickcall about it. Anyways bitches, I must be cuttin. Gotta go look like i'm workin. HA! Fuck that shit.

2005-12-20T23:13:00.000-09:00

welcome to another rendition of the rusted tree. as some of you know i have since deployed to overseas. its not that bad...at the moment. as the temperature is at a constant comfortabe degree. so thats good till bout april i hear. thats when someone decides to turn the oven on and fry us for a good several months...joy. it is definitly a surreal experience being out here though. i've seen this shit in the movies and read about it in books, and have heard stories from others who have made their way here and have lived through. Now i am among those that can have their stories for their kids when they read about the war and events in their history books. i can actualy have something to make me younger years worth something. Now when my little demons infest the earth and question "daddy what was it like over there?" "well it was hot and it constantly smelled of shit..." yep thats about it. sounds interesting to me, and prolly make a good book one day. we can call it...DAMN! THIS PLACE SMELLS OF SHIT!
so yeah. it is now officially one week down. and so many more to go. it makes it seem daunting and can really be stressfull if you sit and think of how much time one has left in the oven where everyone who is a national probably wants to see you dead, but looks at you with a smile and a friendly wave. but one must strive on if you want to eventually be able to go back home and see your family again with a sane mind.
other than those thoughts its not a bad place. sand as far as the eyes can see. every now and then you can catch a beautiful sunset, and you are surrounded by fellow brothers and sisters who are in the same situation as you are. thats all for today. i hope to post at least once a week till my return to the great states of home. hope you all stay safe and look out for each other. i miss you guys and thik of everyone constantly.

peace and chicken grease

2005-10-16T16:47:00.000-08:00

For those of you who are into the cheesy zombie films, i happened to stumble across a porn version of said style of movies. Its called Re-penetrator. The little bit i had seen is funny none the less i have to say.

http://www.repenetrator.com

give it a shot. now if only we can get the rest of the masses to convice rob zombie to do his style of horror porn instead of teasin it with his 1000 corpses and devils rejects movies. but yeah. not much to update. as you can probably tell my mood is a bit lighter than it was the last time i was on. but to be honest not really much has changed. no decisions have been made, nothing on the topic has even been mentioned by the other party. In fact she's doin to me what I used to do to her those many times she would come up to me with a problem...i never said i was perfect, so i hope i never gave that impression over these blogs. So yeah, not much has changed. We've been talking alot more on the phone as of late. Good conversation too. at least i have thought so. i mean these last few days have been rather slow, but hell you can't have something to talk about all the time. so i don't think to much on it. But for bout the past week we've been talkin real good. Like old times. makes me miss her that much more. i've made alot more small puns bout kidnappin her and the dog and draggin them back here, and she never resisted the idea just keep askin about what we would do about her stuff....so of course my mind goes thinkin. but i've been tryin to not put too much hope into it, because no matter what goes unsaid i have to go away for a year...and thats pretty much alot of time for her to change her mind. i really wish she wouldn't, but i couldn't blame her for it...i just want her to be mine, forever and always you know. we did take vows...anways i'm not gonna let myself get into the negative side of things so i will be endin this soon. got a field trainin excercise startin tomorrow and endin on the 28th. then i got like two weeks or so till i get to go on leave to visit her and my two boys back at maryland on the 20th through the 1st. hopefully that won't have to be changed. don't have the money to do it. that and i really want to see the silverstein and hawthorne hieghts concert on the 21st...so yeah peace out bitches.

2005-10-02T20:02:00.000-08:00

i'm falling apart. i don't know anymore...i'm tired throughout the day. i cannot concentrate anymore. but yet my mind is always working. always thinking. I lay in my bed for hourse staring at the ceiling and the walls. even after drinking several glasses of bourbon and coke. my life is in stasis...yet in a constant flux. i had it all...i thought i had it all...a beautiful wife...an annoyin yet good dog, good friends. sure i had problems...but everyone does. then it fell down. and i made it worse. i passed the blame, and grew angry. i didn't see what was really happening. i ignored what was there the whole time and kept pushing. now i lost it all. i've had to move, fucking military, and am getting ready to deploy. my wife...or..uhh...friend with special title...i don't know anymore. i want her so bad...i want to hear her voice everyday so fucking bad it hurts, but when i do, as soon as i hear her, then the immediate silence i fall apart. my awkwardness comes too and i don't know what to do or where to begin. there are times i know she doesn't want me to call, and i wish she would tell me. instead i call and we go through the silence torture. she ignores our situation with quick distractions of halo, drinking and happy pills. i dont know. i'm not looking for much, just a direction. i want too know...something. i'm leaving for a year to go over seas in like two months, and i just want to know what to expect when i come back. i don't want her to move up here with me. why? there's no point. i'm leavin. so if she did want to try to work things out between us, that would have to wait....and then. a year with virtually no talking. yeah, things would change. i don't know. i believe that this is it. that three and a half years of my life are gone. i don't know what they mean to her anymore, i know i will never be able to look back without crying...and hating myself. i'm sure this has jumped alot, but i'm sober and i can never make any sense or focus on one thing at a time anymore if i don't have alcohol in me...i've lost. yet i fight..i do't know why. i can't stop from wanting to try to convice her, to show her that we can still do this. we had some great times...i mean there had to be something there for us to go the time we did...i believe there was...i don't know. could she have possibly stayed because she was still lookin for where she wanted to go in life...was i a safe bet for a time? then when she noticed how deep she was she freaked because it was alot further than where she wanted to go with us...we had great times...i thought i showed her i loved her...didn't i...was i that bad all the time...i know her family hates me now...i mean who wouldn't...i hurt their daughter. i'd hate me too...hell i do...so who's to blame them...maybe they were just my great times...maybe our happiness was just my blindness, and her complacity with trying to find her way in life...i don't know...my emotional low is at bottom...i drink...i've stopped caring...i wish for the worst because my karmic fate is coming...i hope...

UNLOCO-Becoming I
"Faliure"

Maybe I, I didn't seem to have a thing left to say
I bottled it far away
Maybe I, I tried too hard to find someone to blame
Maybe it's me who changed
And now, I'm left with nothing again
So what if I lost everything
Would you want me if I was a failure
So what if I lost everything
Would you be there even when I am gone
Maybe I, I didn't seem to give everything away
Not because I needed you to stay, and I
I couldn't face the fears I left far behind
I try to answer every question to why
I'm left with nothing again
So what if I lost everything
Would you want me if I was a failure
So what if I lost everything
Would you be there even when I am gone
Maybe you couldn't see
All the pain inside of me
And now I feel like this was all for nothing
'Cause I'm left with nothing, I'm left with nothing again
So what if I lost everything
Would you want me if I was a failure
So what if I lost everything
Would you want me if I was a failure
So what if I lost everything
Would you be there even when I am gone
So what if I lost everything
Would you want me if I was a failure

2005-09-24T13:16:00.000-08:00

just a quick post as I have more drinking to get too, for those of you few that have not found out yet, thursday morning i found out my gaining unit, and later that afternoon the girl that is going with me and myself came upon the facts that we might be deploying with the unit to Iraq very soon. We have heard mixed stories but are leaning towards the deployment just to be on the safe side. I have told most, and the few that i have missed have been either from having a hard time getting a hold of them...or some just don't care what goes on. but i have some drinkin to do. have a great weekend all. unless i decide to post again...then have a good time till that unfortunate posting comes upon you all.

...

2005-09-21T18:30:00.000-08:00

…We all die alone…

2005-09-19T19:44:00.000-08:00

Her embrace is empty
Yet a feeling of complacity invites me
I go against the idea at first...
Thinking...
Hoping...
But soon give it to her convictions

Her words stab me like a dead of winter wind
The stings of truth sadden me
I hate myself
Yet I smile at the memories

Her touch is cold,
yet warm and comforting
I try to pull away as we get closer
But give in to the weakness
She cradles me and whispers empty promises

I open my eyes to the truth
She stands there staring back at me
Smiles and outstretched hands

I look back, looking
Hoping for...something

She promises, and smiles
I dare not fight it and follow
For I know...nothing
All that remain are memories
Bitter and Spite

She is death
And our endless walk is now my life

~Michael Kelley 19September2005

2005-09-18T19:59:00.000-08:00

Not really much to write at the moment, i just figured i should go ahead and put somethin in so i can say i at least started this sumbitch. I can barely read the screen at the moment, as i've been fighting....something, for the past week. i've been having really bad weakness and getting dizzy to the point where i almost fall. just earlier it felt like my feet were sweating but when i reached down to touch em, i was barefoot at the time, they were freezing. which is weird cause it isn't cold in my apartment...at least it doesn't feel cold. but yeah i'm comin down with somethin fierce, and i gotta in process into my new command here on tuesday which is just a splendid way to start things off. hey i'm the new guy, but don't ask me to do much as i can barely walk a wavy line at the moment. but yeah anyways my friends have been wanting me to post, and i promise as soon as i can focus i will post on how my trip from dc to san antonio then west and north to washington. till then i leave you with the lirics to a 40 below summer song "Wither Away" from the album Invintation to the dance. Great band so check em out.

Is it all just a shape, a twist of fate, that leaves me open
Will it all fade away, from my life, and leave me broken
It's all just game as you left me here to wallow
It's all been a fake and it's hard to swallow
And I wither away and die, tomorrow's just another day to cry
I wither away and die, clip my wings without you I can't fly
What if life were a dream would you be there waiting for me
Suicide in a sleep I'd rather die and have you miss me
And it all went away the pain of watching you deny me
I've fallen again, inside
And I wither away and die tomorrow's just another day to cry
I wither away and die, clip my wings without you I can't fly
I can't get away from myself (so far)
I can't get enough of your love (I can't escape)
And I wither away and die tomorrow's just another day to cry
I wither away and die, clip my wings without you I can't fly